there are two very different sets of English being spoken at home. i wish i could say it was more of domestic expat spat of the British language against the American, but alas, it isn't. it's the parents' brand of heartland English that i'm referring to here. having been exposed to the parents and their daily reinforcements of a strong co-relation between homosexuals and hell, i can testify to the mediocre state of English that the parents communicate with. and perhaps one of the reasons why their 'please-turn-straight' pep talks don't work is simply because of their bizarre phonetics when it comes to conversing in English. my linguistic mind starts wandering away when a comma is not used in the right place, or in worse scenarios, at all.

'Why isn't the father using the comma to pause for a breather? He's using a lot of breath for one sentence, isn't he? Oh my. I think he's getting breathless. Is he raising his voice now? Or is it the incorrect usage of an exclamation mark? Where are all the full stops? What?'

all that over one comma, eh?

so as i was sitting in the train post-gym today, it just dawned upon me that i can actually recall quite a few words that the parents use on a daily basis that really make me go into stitches internally (i don't laugh at home unless there's no one around).

Berlay/Berlaysia (Malay/Malaysia)
a sore point that the second ex-boyfriend (he's Malay and the parents know about him) used to take jibes at me with, this is perhaps one of the reasons why the mother has almost close to nil brown-skinned friends. i feel like BER-rying my head underground whenever i hear this one.

Kaff (Cafe)
this one belongs to the father. for some reason, he ignores the little accent over the 'e' in 'cafe' (i can't seem to find the key to insert accents in blogger) and says it as kaff. it's potentially embarrassing when one tries to invite strange-looking men back into the house and the father suggests the both of us taking our little tryst out to a public kaff. of course, that would prolly not happen given that the father would prolly welcome people i invite into my house with a broom and bible rather than with open arms.

Flim/Filim (Film/Film)
i think many Singaporean kids can totally relate to this. in fact, i remember one occasion during secondary school when i asked if any of my classmates' parents said 'Filim' instead of 'Film', practically half the class raised their hands. good conversation topic to have. now if only i could turn this into a pick-up line.

Pronography (Pornography)
i remember this vividly because this was used the first time the father discovered his son surfing porn. and not of the right kind even. i was relating my experience to a friend the next day (minus the content of the pornography i surfed) and once again, we discovered that it's a common ailment that many Singapore parents have. the whole discussion developed into a lame joke about watching shrimps having live sex over the internet.

Cos-Tape (Scotch Tape)
no, it's not preference to dress up as a manga character that looks like an ol' skool cassette tape. but rather the stuff that one can use as an alternative to nipple stickers and putting up Falcon videos posters on your walls. this crime belongs to the father.

Botter-bottle (Water-bottle)
during the primary school days, the mother was very insistent that i brought an umbrella and a cheesy Mickey Mouse water-bottle everywhere with me. given the typical schooling kid's bag is already being lugged around rather than carried, i didn't welcome any additional weight. besides, i took the school bus and water coolers were everywhere. no weather elements or dehydration risks to brave. so it was on purpose, that i forgot to bring both the umbrella and the water-bottle all the time. the mother always knew though, and she would come rushing to the door just as i was about to leave home, screaming 'Jon!! You forgot to bring your botter-bottle again!!!!' it was about 6.30 in the morning and loud enough for the neighbors to hear. i could already imagine them pelting us with yesterday's dinner and expired vegetables. of course, if only i brought along my umbrella (ella, ella, eh, eh, eh) as well to cover my head from shame.

Frida (Fridae)
the first time the mother discovered i was gay and surfing gay personals, she broached me about it with little success. i thought that for once, the mother suddenly was refined and understood the fine art of Frida Kahlo. alas, it was a grammatical error and a rather laughable one at that.

it's actually a plan that works very well for me because the only time that the parents and i converse is when they attempt their same old straight conversion thing with me. other conversations are just everyday questions like 'are you coming home for dinner tonight' and stuff along those lines. those last less than a minute actually. the pep talks normally lasts about ten to twenty minutes. and my mind always wanders when they crash through the pronunciation of certain words. which basically keeps me entertained while they repeat the fact that i'm going to hell over my love of the penis.

so for now, i'm keeping the queeny english to myself.

---