|i could go on for 40 days and 40 nights about my blog title and bore you to bits and pieces with 10,000 different ideas i actually had for the name of this blog but because of the 500 characters limit that is imposed upon this mechanism which, by the way, is supposed to promote free speech, i shall shorten it to just two words basically describing what the hell this is all about and who this hell belongs to.|
Monday, August 28, 2006
workmates - working and mating together? (part two)
forgive me for this pretty long hiatus from the computer and blogging. i have been busy trying to adapt to the freakin' fast-paced life in singapore again. no more than 5 minutes after i touched down in singapore, i was already rushing to the immigration checkpoint so that i could beat the crowds of passengers rushing out of the plane (i rode business, so i could get out first). of course, i had my reasons. namely, alcohol and fragrances. and not forgetting duty free and the baggage belt as well.
even though the chartered SQ flight was just a very short 110 mins, i was damn tired of staying around in brunei. since the morning i left my workplace, i have been haging around in town shopping for DVDs and using 5-6 hours of wireless. the flight was 5.35 in the morning. most of us on board didn't get enough sleep (we woke at three to get ready for the trip to the airport). we had to hand-carry all the heavy check-in luggage from one place to another, so we were all looking and smelling like shit. the breakfast on the plane also tasted pretty much like shit (omelettes with wierd stuff innit, an overcooked tomato and grey sausage, prolly stuffed with recycled broth remnants). if you ever needed a stool sample, this entire situation would make a really shitty one.
but oh my, the plane was more cruisy than a swimming pool toilet on a weekend. there were all these 'gaydar' eyes scanning the passengers all over the place. ALL the air stewards were 40 plus year old gay men who had faces exposed daily to moisturizing creams and micro-dermabrasion kits. during take off and landing, they sat with their legs crossed and the same poise and straightened backs as the air stewardesses. they clutched their hands together and placed them on their crossed legs. makes you QUEER-y what the Q in SQ stands for hor?
and since we're back on the topic of gay people, we might as well talk about my work mates right? those two people that i mentioned. in fact we ought to have a quick refresher about two particular terms, namely:
- Guys that I want to have sex with (GTIWTHSW)
- Guys that I don't want to have sex with (GTIDWTHSW)
you remember my supervisor whom i had the bad luck of finding out was gay? i actually discussed this little bit of information over MSN with my gay ex-colleague who left the workplace like 3 months before me. you could actually also label this discussing of information as gossip and call us gossiping li'll bitches. but we don't care. cos we simply came to this conclusion (and you've got to say this with that 'i knew it all along look' on your face): YOU BIG FAIRY! if you see my supervisor, you'd realize that he's a bit of a prude. he tries to do an armani for his hair, but gravity always prevails and the spikes just collapse like an inflated sex doll without the air. and let's not forget that fashion sense that could rival the worst of the JB people. just to summarize, he's just a nerdy boy trying to find his feet and fairy wings in this cold, evil and awfully straight world lah.
but enough of that bull and let's talk about these queens.
The closet that couldn't be closed (even if you tried to)
it's very true what they say. (which brings to us two questions - who are they? and what did they say?) you know, people almost always tend to know you are gay, even if you don't tell them openly. it's the little things that you do that are like big alarm bells for the straight and the narrow. everytime you cross your leg, everytime your wrist loses it's tension and turns flaccid, everytime you say 'oh my god', yada yada blah blah, the hunchback will be ringing those bells in Notre Dame for you. Ding Dong Ding Dong.
well this is in association with a certain colleague of mine that EVERYBODY knows is gay. apparently, this guy sticks very closely with his 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell (But if you ask me nicely i will be more than willing to tell you and hopefully you will go into a long term relationship with me)' policy. you could actually ask him whether he is gay and he'll just blabber on a wholeload of defensive stuff in mandarin. before finally telling you that's he gay. it's not the defensive crap that actually irks me, but more like the way he says it. he has this tone and manner of speaking that is like a big giveaway already. it's like saying 'i'm not gay lor' while giving a blowjob (not that you can speak anyways).
and the real funny thing is that he tries to deflect all those straight and narrow arrows by trying to act all tuff and rough. he uses vulgarities like tissue paper. everytime something bad happens, he'll just blurt out his favourite swear word 'kum pua chee bye'. i don't know what that means, but i'm pretty darn sure that it's nothing good (reason being that it's a cheebye, since when did anything good come out of a cheebye before; this is in relation to the fact that i hate anything below the age of 4). and once again, it's like shooting yourself in the foot with that tone and all the effeminate mannerisms.
CONCLUSION: you either stay hidden or you don't. cos back in France, it's getting fucking noisy there. Ding ding dong dong dong ding ding ding diiiiiing dong dong dong ding ding dong ding ding dong. (that's morse code for GTIDWTHSW).
Tall, Dark and Hairy
i have something for the above-mentioned kind of guys. so imagine when i thought i finally met the man of my wet dreams in the form of an indian-chinese guy. he's damn tall (1.8 plus). he's the colour of mocha. and his chest is so hairy that you could substitute pictures of his chest for those Yun Nam advertisements. and it's a plus that he gyms. he has really big pectorals. oh my goodness. countless orgasms were had with him in mind. but is he gay? i'm still clueless. he plays both sides of the boat by mentioning that he used to have a girlfriend. or maybe he's just in his stupid life raft and i'm trying to pull him over to the gay cruise.
but alas, like a typical singapore woman, i'm rather picky when it comes to guys. both of us gym pretty often. so we'll get to listen to each other's ipod playlists. a bit disappointing cos his ipod only has 20% techno, 75% chinese and 5% mandatory english songs that cheena people always put in to claim that they listen to english radio stations. it's very true that you can generally tell what a person's like from their mp3 playlists. so go grab somebody's ipod today and scan through their playlists.
CONCLUSION: i'm quite turned off by his playlist. but you can avoid music during sexual intercouse. so i'm not complaining. besides he's hairy and damn tall, and you know what they say about bears. they are pretty hung, aren't they? GTIWTHSW
finally, here's some closure to everything and everyone at my workplace. those were good times there. and beside the pace of life there was so slow that snails were literally running marathons there. it's great to be back in singapore.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
tales of the eerily erotic kind
(cue theme of THE TWILIGHT ZONE)
this is really freaky. i just woke up after 8 hours of sleep without any pants on.
meaning that if for some reason, the parents were to actually pull my blanket off, they would straightaway be able to locate the source of evil that fuels their son's gay nature. of course, they would initially be impressed that the source of evil was of a somewhat considerable size. but after the oohs and the aahs, they would prolly have me tied up and sent for exorcism and/or castration ALA Hard Candy style.
in case you're wondering, i didn't do it on purpose. i mean, once in a while i do release the evil at night before i go to sleep. but i at least have the decency, common sense and altruistic nature to put it right back where it belongs. so it's definitely not me. and it prolly didn't just slip off during the violent sex dreams in bed. for one, i was wearing pretty tight boxer shorts (it's a gay thing). you would prolly need a towtruck and 50 construction men tugging a rope to pull off my undergear. it's tight lah, but not so tight that it impedes circulation down there. meaning i could still get a boner which would stop the removal of my undergarments.
so if it's not the source....
and it's not me....
then who could it be?
oh my god. i just said WHO. you mean it's someone who actually did this? wah, this is getting kinkier by the minute, isn't it? come to think of it, the only person who sleeps in the same room as me is the broth.....
okaaaaaaay.... this is wierd. and no, i don't sleep with soup. i sleep with a sibling.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
workmates - working and mating together? (part one)
In this world, there are two types of gay people: those who turn gay because they have a thing for guys and those that do so for any other miscellaneous reason. Some fine examples include things like:
- I want to spite my dad
- I am on some sort of self-destructive pattern
- I can't make up my mind
- It's a pre-requisite for a glam rock star
- The media says gay is the new straight
Now, for the guy who likes em' guys, there are two equally different types too:
- gays who are in it for the sex
- gays who are in it for the relationships (which technically makes them women)
I daresay that I belong to the former. Which is not exactly that bad a thing actually. The good about belonging to a perverse category like that is that men are generally easier to classify:
- Guys that I want to have sex with (GTIWTHSW)
- Guys that I don't want to have sex with (GTIDWTHSW)
So that's what we're going to be talking about today - People that I want and don't want to have sex with at my workplace. Of course, this is in relation to the fact that I'll be leaving my current working environment in Brunei very soon. How soon? In about 4 days. It's sad knowing that I'll be departing at a rather 'reproductive' time where there's a major turnover of permanent staff at work. There's a lot of new people coming in and coming out. And I daresay a lot of them are coming out. Coming out really loud and proud, that is.
Thus, here's a lament to what I'm about to be missing.
40 going on 30
You know there's almost always something amiss when a 40 year old guy look like a day older than 30. It's just not in the straight man's genes to wear slimming jeans (which is what he wore upon arrival). And neither is it 'metrosex' to transport all your clothes from Brunei to Singapore wrapped in laundry protective covers. He has flawless baby-ass skin and nary an inch of hair on the limbs (all thanks to Oil of Olay and Nair).
What's worse is that we both know each other to be gay. Not that we openly tell each other that we know. But it's just the intuition and the gaydar working. Plus the fact that talking to him is like being at the airport. His big jumbo jet hands are just uncontrollably flying all over the place. Thus, it makes conversations really awkward. Simple questions like 'Do you have a girlfriend' and 'Where do you usually go clubbing' are pretty much out.
Conclusion: he’s nice to talk to and really charming. Plus not forgetting the fact that talking to him is the human equivalent of being at the Changi Terminal 1 Viewing area. And anyways, daddies (or actually more like mommies; given the night creams) are not exactly my thing. So he's classified under GTIDWTHSW.
My Boss might be gay
Personal Computers and laptops are really sensitive items. They contain a lot of personal information about yourself and your shameful second life. Thus, being one of the many reasons why I hate lending people electronics (on top of me being selfish and insensitive to your needs). How do you explain to a straight guy what the playlist named 'ANTHEMS' on your ipod means? Awkward lor. Thus for your own good and my own 'don't ask, don't tell' policy... please refrain from borrowing electronics from me.
now, the point of all that crap above is that i had the bad luck of needing to borrow my boss' laptop just last week. we were out on official duties, and had to stay overnight at a local motel which was conveniently equipped with wireless facilities. apparently, i had to search for a particular phone number that could be found online. my lappy wasn't working due to some network problems which i didn't know how to solve (i'm a nurse, not the hunky IT technical assistant).
so i typed the webbie which went something like this:
(censorship: it's thename of my future workplace, can't put it in for fear of jeopardizing my future salary)
however when i punched in the 'G' of 'sg', the cookies brought up a series of old webbies of that my supervisor had previously visited. and to my shock and horror, it was the link to a popular Singapore gay website! actually it was more like disgust and feeling of 'wah, like that also can be gay ah?'. because my boss has the worst dress sense ever and is more cheena than mandarin oranges. i have no idea why, but i'm praying that he's not gay.
and this is why i'm actually leaving plenty of loopholes and inconclusive plot endings to this saga about my boss. my biggest guess would have to be that someone else used his laptop to surf those gay webbies. but then again, he could have recently coverted to kabbalah and decided that gay wasn't his cup of tea, and i wouldn't have known at all?!
CONCLUSION: HE'S MY BOSS LOR, EXCUSE ME!!!!! GTIDWTHSW LAH!
all this talking about guys, i'm really getting tired of it.
so 2 more guys in the next up coming post. someone who's trying too hard to cover up his pointed Prada shoe tracks. and someone that actually falls under the GTIWTHSW category.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
branded goods - good branding?
BRANDING is everything in this modern time and age. you can take an awfully hopeless item, throw in high-pressured marketing tactics and a brilliant advertising campaign, and you can have a massive revenue-bringing product.
just look at Paris Hilton. her whining can be passed off as singing (if the Stars Are Blind, then my Ears Are Deaf from all the ngyeh ngyeh ngyeh-ing noise she makes as a voice). her BO can be marketed as a celebrity fragrance. and her sleazy sex video? a 'provocative' but 'innovative' publicity stunt. i mean, she has like zero talent, non-existent good looks and not much to boast about in the mammary department either. just plenty of money, blonde hair, skanky clothes and a very shrewd business mind. the Paris Hilton brand is one of the greatest blonde-marketing strategies ever. in the future, all little cheena ah lian primary school kids will have ambitions like 'wHeN I gRoW uPz, I's WanNa BeS a SkAnK LiKe PaRiz HiLtOnz LoLz!!'.
and perhaps put in a local context: the RAFFLES brand.
the Raffles Hotel. Raffles Hospital. Raffles Medical Group. Raffles City Shopping Centre. Raffles Town Club. Raffles Junior College. Raffles Girls. i mean, i even had a major crush on a certain very rich Raffles boy (rosette wine, open-air jacuzzis and a double-storied apartment right in the city centre). ever since its introduction, the Raffles brand has gained a reputation for being the best. and given that Raffles (other than being a name of somebody famous in the Singaporean history textbooks) generally are associated with charity tickets and prizes and the drawing of lots, i think they've come a really long way in building up a good reputation.
so you see, the materialistic world of marketing products revolves around one simple thing, BRANDING.
and it's a pity that branding is definitely not a strong point here in Brunei. i mean, don't get me wrong. Brunei is a truly beautiful country. i like the super-friendly people here. they are very much simple-minded people with few pleasures in life. piracy is the norm. basic utilities are inexpensive. everybody has a car. petrol is dirt cheap. wireless internet with power points for your laptops are commonplace. you can wander the streets at night without fear of being raped, harrassed or mugged. relatively good food can be found everywhere. generally, it's a good place to bring up your kids without exposing them to a majority of the evils in this big bad world.
it's just insulting that people buy products without knowing the brand. ok lah, they know the brand, but they go ahead and buy the pirated product anyways. PLAGARISED BRANDING, that's what it's called! the locals buy products which are blatant copies of the original. take for example, everyone's favourite brand of wafer biscuits from Switzerland - Loacker. they make great snacks for picnics, a walk in the park, or maybe even after sex. it's my mom's standard gift (after butter cookies) whenever she visits anyone in the hospital. maybe it's the ang pow red packaging that's soothing on the patient' eyes. i dunno. but look at the local plagarised version:
it's $1.80, it screams 'i'm an ah pek' and worse of all, it's just so cheapo. i just dislike the double K's in the plagarised brand. gives me visuals of a 40 year old man sitting at the hawker centre drinking tiger beer and lamenting the current state of the getai scene in singapore. but still, i'm a sucker for quality and price, so i bought it all the same. i needed to at least sample the product before i passed judgement. and to nobody's surprise, they sucked. they were as dry as pregnancy at 40 years of age. they were stingy on the cream filling. it's cliche, but it's like eating cardboard boxes found after a getai performance.
it's bad enough if you copy other people's work. but it's worse if you blindly copy the work and make a fool out of yourself. like my teacher used to tell the lazy students during my primary school days
'if you wnat to copy, at least put some brains into doing it!
it's pretty lewd yet incredibly witty at the same time. if i owned a shop selling 'alternate lifestyle products', this would definitely be sold under the 'hygiene' section. come to think of it, this makes a great christmas gift. and some of you reading this will actually be receiving this for christmas. no more kissing under the mistletoe this coming december. do something special to me instead!
this one i found at a shop selling toiletries. and the only reason why i'm putting this pic up is because i thought it to be rather witty for a brand of diapers. 'shee shee' is a childhood word that kids use to indicate that they want to pee. i still use it for no apparent reason other than to irritate the hell out of my colleagues.
you know, i think it's silly little errors like that that make branding and marketing such a wonderful world to explore. in fact, it's stupid grammer mistakes like these that make Brunei such a wonderful country worth staying for. but alas, i'll be coming back to Singapore on the 25th of this month. and it's coming back for good. the good news would be that i'm coming back. the bad news (or is it still good?)? you owe me something this coming december. and we're not talking mistletoe.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
you get my (tokyo) drift?
why do the straight, the narrow and the cheena have such bad taste in music?
first it was CRAZY FROG.
then the World Cup fever brought along Shakira and her deceitful hips.
my clairvoyance tells me that the next irritating ringtone of the season will be a particular movie soundtrack. an irritating psuedo-siam-ism-angkor-wat-ish background percussion accompanied with the sounds of japanese hentai voice-overs singing english with bad phonics. the song in question? Tokyo Drift by the Teriyaki Boyz, from the soundtrack The Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift.
fast cars, modifications and all things japanese have a very strong impact on the cheena-inclined community. and the cheena-piang are notorious for their revolting and terrible taste in music. put two and two together and you have the reason why the arts in singapore will never flourish (ok, so i'm exaggerating).
within the span of spending 2 days of off in Brunei, i have heard Tokyo Drift more times than i can count on both hands and feet of everyone involved in a threesome. bruneians who mod their vehicles tend to focus a lot on their sound systems. and the bruneians who love to mod their vehicles more often that not are the cheena peeps. and the cheena peeps are well-known for the horrendously awful taste in music. so once again put two and two together with regards to the cheena peeps and you have another reason why the arts in brunei will also never flourish (and this one i'm not exaggerating).
every modded car that passes on the street seems to come pre-installed with the soundtrack to Tokyo Drift. it gets kinda sickening after a while when everywhere you go, you have no choice but to open your ears to the sounds of techno, high-pitched japanese voices and an irritaing psuedo-siam beat.
and have you heard the killer line?
the chorus, FAST and FURIOUS sung as 'FAST AND FOO-REAR!' not one, not twice but a grand total of at least 21 times in the ENTIRE SONG. i tell you, the next person whose handphone rings with Tokyo Drift.... i will slice and dice and thrice through him faster than you can say 'sashimi'.
and you can be sure it'll be fast and foo-rear...
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