|i could go on for 40 days and 40 nights about my blog title and bore you to bits and pieces with 10,000 different ideas i actually had for the name of this blog but because of the 500 characters limit that is imposed upon this mechanism which, by the way, is supposed to promote free speech, i shall shorten it to just two words basically describing what the hell this is all about and who this hell belongs to.|
Saturday, May 27, 2006
the singaporean gay vocabulary
i think Singaporean gay men should be grateful that their local gay clubs have names that can fit easily into everyday sentences. well, or at least sentences that make sense. and short sentences, just to mention. in fact, an old favourite one that i think every gay men should know is:
(when being given a suggestion, and you must say this in the most exasperated way that you can muster)
You reply: WHY NOT? You mean it's a TABOO to be HAPPY?
imagine those guys in Queer As Folk with their gay club names like Meathook and Babylon. how the fuck do you use words like that so non-chalantly without feeling a sense of guilt involving incorrect grammer?
come to think of it, it's kinda good in a sad way that Centro has closed down eons ago. how in the world one is supposed to fit Centro into a sentence is beyond my mental capabilities.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
show some flesh
There's one thing about myself that I can never understand. I love taking pictures of myself even though I know that 90% of the time, I look really terrible. Even the backdrop seems much more marriageable in photos. I have no idea why. But I just can't seem to look good in photos. Either I will show too much teeth (which makes me look like a freaking chink) or I will show too little eye (which makes me look like a freaking chink) or I will screw it up by showing too little teeth and too much eye (which still makes me look like a freaking chink).
But still, I guess what pushes me to take narcissistic photos is that in-built shamelessness that comes with being gay. Of course along with all the other special abilities like being able to detect other gays in a confined space, an ego as big as Lydia Sum, and (some tragically, don't have this) an undeniable sense of fashion.
I know I make being gay sound like being a mutant (X-Men 3 opens on May 25th people!). But then again, what with all those tight leather suits and lithe bodies, I wouldn't be surprised if they weren't just an S&M club in disguise. There are big hairy men. There are big muscular men. There are topless men with wings. There are men with claws. There are even men who ejaculate fluids and laser beams. How cool is that? And what is the role of that bald guy in the levitating wheelchair, you say? Prolly just a handicapped customer lah. They satisfy all sorts.
Now, self-photography is a shameless skill that one has to catch through constant practice. I always take photos of myself when I'm really bored. This means that I have already exhausted all means of entertainment. From playing with electronic console games to playing with my soles to playing with myself. That is when I'll whip out my Sony Ericsson K750i and start snapping away Kodak moments to post on my gay personals.
And I daresay it requires a certain amount of skill to get a picture that gets you want you want on the personals site. Is it too melancholic? Do I look like LTR material? I look too feminine? Maybe it's the glasses? Or perhaps that slutty pout? Yah, I should strike a side pose right? Eeeeeee... Got love handles! A million and one factors to take into consideration when all you want to do is just post a fucking picture to attract the same sex.
I can reassure you. Most gay men who go on personals websites are looking for sex. It's one of those proven and tested things of life that you realize after being on the scene for several years. I mean, science has my back when I proclaim that men think of sex once every few minutes. I don't deny it (as in I don't deny that science has my backing; but then again, I don't deny the latter either).
Now, the key to getting sex online is definitely to show some flesh. Unless you're fucking handsome and cute, you prolly won't get a lot of responses. It's reciprocal. If you don't show any flesh, then of course you won't get any flesh also lah. It can be a peek of flesh. It can even be a piece of flesh. As Ulla from The Producers will tell you 'If you got it, shout it out loud!'.
This was actually a lesson I learnt recently only. I don't really go online that often when I'm in Brunei. Because the internet connection here is slow. Even to connect via dial-up is so tedious. So the only internet time I have here is when I go out to town. There's wireless broadband with POWER POINTS at several of the local cybercafes. And there's no pressure on how long you can hog onto their lines. You just have to keep ordering a constant stream of espresso and lattes and shit. So every internet user there is like hyped on caffeine.
2 weeks ago, I posted relatively conservative photos of myself in my uniform. And I received only 12 messages asking for MSN exchanges, sex and 'let's be friends'. 1 week ago, I posted a picture of myself shirtless flexing my pectorals and when I checked yesterday, I received 31 messages asking for sex and MSN exchanges.
Apparently nobody wants to be friends with a guy who flexes his muscles.
But who cares? I'm getting much more sex requests than usual. Now the only thing is to go back to Singapore and claim the prize. That's three months later. We'll talk about that when August arrives.
Point is this. The gay community is actually very 'materialistic'. And i daresay that it's all kinda due to genes. Men are naturally attracted by what the eyes see. If it's a feast for the eyes, why not dig in? It's tragic I know. Not everyone in our community looks like a cross between Thomas Rhys-Myers and Orlando Bloom. Some come across looking like the love child of Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Queen Latifah. Somehow, the guy up there who made us/nature/genetics/the big banger is fair.
We are kinda given a fair amount of assets to begin with. So make full use of it.
Ok I'm getting bored. Pass me my camera.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
love that's not so local
(blogger's note: i redwrote certain parts of this post because it's kinda boring and shit. do note that i wrote the original version at 4am in the middle of the night after an exhausting 2 hours of sentry duty, and anyways, at this point of time, there have been developments in the story so far, but i'll leave that for the next post)
It's a proven and tested fact in the world of LOVE that you tend to find romance and sex in the strangest of places. Some people find it in book clubs, some find it in gyms, toilets, or even gym toilets, while others find it in a fetish for certain orifices of the body. We all have our own way of looking for love, I'm sure. Like take me for example, I tend to look for love at country clubs and golf courses in the hope that a rich uncle will take me home and shower me with exorbitant gifts for the rest of my life. I would prolly be taking champagne baths and not be able to tell the champagne apart from the urine when I pee in the bathtub.
So today's post will be about my gay colleague and how he came to find love in Brunei. How he came to realize that worrying is most of the time actually for naught. And that you can find love anywhere, even in a conservative country like Brunei. YES! Brunei! I said Brunei!!! And of course, upon his return to Singapore, what the future of a long-distance relationship holds for him. Why the future? Because his tour in Brunei is ending in about two to three weeks time. And I kinda wish that he would get over it and not be so yellow-mellow about it. It's a long-distance relationship for god's sake. Not an arranged marriage. and according to most stories, long-distance relationships almost never ever end well. pessimist. yeap. but realist upon closer inspection.
Well, so IT all started through IRC. My colleague chanced upon a charming malay guy through a chatroom. They chatted, exchanged MSN addresses and fell in love online. And so followed three years of extensive correspondence through personals websites, MSN, more IRC and SMSes. Yeap. They exchanged contact numbers despite the fact that one is in Singapore and the other was in Malaysia. Not that they called each other or anything like that. Still, my colleague was very devasteated when he had his mobile stolen (NB: he's thankful that there were no Tammy-ish videos in it, and on a side note, Tammy's boyfriend has a big dick, if you haven't seen one before, that's big for a chinese guy) and thus many contact numbers were lost, including his pen-pal. in fact, that was the first thing that came to my colleague's mind.
And to add to the already brewing storm, this pen-pal of his is really irritating in that he takes eons to reply to a simple email or message on the MSN. This is actually why their correspondence could stretch to a very long three years. What with slow SMS replies, slow MSN responses, short and irregular emails, etc. The only word that comes to mind is IRRITATING.
And it's at this point that I must say that pen-paling, as fun and as sweet as it is, can be awfully short-lived sometimes. Most people can't sustain written or typed conversations beyond the typical questions about school and work and general shit about your family. This is why I am so open whenever i correspond with anyone online. if i were to be reborn as a media article, i would prolly be a tabloid newspaper. But really, there's already the barrier of not being able to see each other face-to-face, the right thing to do is to add a personal touch by being open about some things, but not everything. Don't be like me, reveal everything, then there's no sense of mystery left behind to spice things up. it's all about balance.
I mean, it's uber-irritating when people just give short replies to general questions. General questions are asked because they are general and YOU, who have been asked the question, have the freedom (and the courtesy) to come up with a broad, extensive and at the very least, interesting answer.
Like take for example, a positive and negative demonstration of proper pen-palling correspondence:
Q: So, what do you do for a living?
A: I teach lor.
Q: Oh, that's really noble! What sort of kids do you teach then?
A: Secondary school.
Q: Teenagers eh? Must be quite a handful.
Q: What do you teach in school?
A: English and PE.
Q: English? Well, what with your almost 5 words or less answers, I am beginning to suspect that you need an English teacher before you can even attempt to teach the language.
A: Really ah?
(NB: that is fucked up MSN-ing. Seriously, I block people whom I have to ask at least 5 general questions to continue the conversation. But then again, I'm equally guilty of this 75% of the time with people I know, because I hate MSN and I want to concentrate on blogging/downloading porn anyways)
Q: So, what do you do for a living?
A: Well, I'm in the education industry. I teach secondary school kids in some elite school lying in the western part of Singapore.
Q: Wow. Sounds like my alma mater. The Boys in White right?
A: Yeap. You could put it that way. Rich Kids. Spoilt Brats. But mainly an inteligent bunch. Love em all the same.
Q: I was from there many years back. That was a long long time ago. and it was such a different place compared to now. I mean, the people back then were really blah blah blah blah blah....
so you see, it's not exactly rocket or fertility science to try and talk a little bit more and be more open about oneself. it's a two-way thing. you open up and others will open up to you eventually too.
ok, enough of preaching to the masses. let's get on with the story. so both of them have still been corresponding over the various means available. the pen-pal was serving the army. my colleague was with some other uniformed force. it wasn't until when my colleague came to Brunei and started work here, that he discovered the pen-pal was actually Bruneian also (at that point of time, the pen-pal was stuck in Malaysia doing some sort of army training). yah i know, it sounds like a typical drama right? the whole story is so cliche to the point that you could substitute my colleague and the pen-pal for Bae Yong Jun or Lee Young Aae and the only difference would be the kim chi.
i know the story actually got a bit jumbled up in the process. so i'll actually break it down into a simpler digestive biscuit format. easier for you to understand and grasp hold off. before my colleague came over brunei, he thought that the pen-pal was a soldier with the malaysian armed forces when in actual fact he was with the bruneian armed forces. after he started work in brunei, emails led each other to realize that they were both in Brunei working at the same time. one as a medic. the other a teacher. and it wasn't until my colleague was sending a patient to hospital, a chance meeting on the road led the penpal to check his email for my colleague's contacts. and so they've telephoned each other, talked late nights and went out several times actually.
the pen-pal never mentioned that he was a Bruneian before. but he had quit the army back then, and now served Brunei in the education industry. he teaches secondary school kids. he was originally with the army. but had quit because of the lack of job satisfaction. we've actually went out before, the pen-pal, colleague and me. he's actually very good-looking for a Bruneiean. thick eyebrows. nice smile. no wonder all the students are falling for him. it's pretty obvious he's gay. which is why they ought to teach teenager girls how to seperate the gay from the straight in Brunei.
alas, they're romance was kinda short-lived. my colleague's gonna end his tour at the end of this month. meaning that they have to bring their relationship to another level - LONG-DISTANCE DATING. which i'm never a strong supporter of. because i'm a believer of 'out of sight, out of mind' rather than 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'. if i don't see someone regularly, i will feel like a stranger with him. if we were to meet again in a few months time, we might need a bit of an ice-breaker or a blowjob or some fine wine to get us back to the lovey-dovey state we were in once more. and you're need an ice-pick to break the ice, a corkscrew for some fine wine, and perhaps some cock and a blowjob leading to a screw. i dunno.
and the thing to always consider is this (and it's especially poignant if you're gay): WILL HE CHEAT ON ME? once again, my pessimistic self rears its ugly head all over the place. for the straight, it's a 70-30 chance that they won't cheat on you. so thank your genetics that you prefer what you're supposed to prefer. as for the homos, it's a bit different. did your loved one turn gay because of sex? your loved one is gay because he likes the lifestyle? what is his motive behind turning gay?
i'm having my doubts about this penpal of my colleague. they've been in love for two months or so only, and the first incident of suspicions have already started to reel in. for several days already, the calls have been coming in irregularly. they used to SMS and talk everynight. but now, it's not that frequent anymore. what's happening, you say? and apparently, this guy claims that he's a virgin despite been a whopping 27 years and being closeted for 7 years coming. he's fucking handsome. he has a good body. if you ask me, there is definitely something wrong behind this whole facade of a dashing young gay man. as always, i'm one for the realist and the pessimist.
so what's the moral of the story, i say?
it's simply this. love needs constant closeness. it needs two people to be TOGETHER for it to happen. long email discussions can only take you so far. MSN and emoticons can also bring you a certain distance. but it's touch, sex and love that will bring a couple together.
now if only someone would see this and publish my comments in a country club newsletter so that i can marry rich. platinum cards only. ang mos most welcome.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
a moral dilemma
not that i have a lot of morals in the first place. but that doesn't mean i have none also. just enough to tell me that stealing is wrong and fucking the brains out of someone else (regardless of whether he has a boyfriend or not) is just soooooo right. well, it's not everyday that the lines to whether something is right or wrong are so blurred. generally, most of my life is easily seperated between right and wrong. and let's just say that i pick to go down the broadway to damnation most of the time. i prolly have an overdue reservation for a slot in hell since the day i was born.
but then again, what brings about a moral dilemma in me?
well, you see, when i went back home for my home leave recently, i met up with my chief clerk in singapore to purchase drag costumes and accessories for a happy hour kinda event in my workplace. it was to be organized by my deaprtment. and my chief clerk was in charge of it. and my chief clerk, being such a passionate person about the transvestites and drags, decided that a drag show is just the thing we needed to spice up our workplace.
i mean, a dragshow is alread unheard of at our workplace. what more Brunei yah?
so you could say that this was a historical first for my workplace. i definitely went down the annals of Brunei for smuggling wigs, costumes, make-up, fake eye-lashes and etc. into an ulu kampng town.
thus on the day that i met up with my chief clerk, i also met Ros whom he brought along for some professional help. according to him, Ros had some experience in performance make-up and helping drags to put on their costumes and stuff. but i ought to explain this not-so-little fact:
the first word that comes to a typical mind when you meet Ros is the word 'BIG'. i'm not of the typical mind, so the first word was actually 'Humongous'. Ros is pretty plus-sized. in fact, i'm already pretty plus-sized myself. but she adds a totally new dimension to it. i could hide three clones of myself and still have ample space to build the Statue of Liberty behind her. and when we light the fire of the Statue's torch, it'll look like her hair is on fire and she'll be having some sorta aura. it looks cool and all, but lemme just get in front of Ros first.
another thing you need to know about Ros was that she used to be a he. and i'm thinking the way she became so big is because of the lack of physical activity and a rather strong course of hormone therapy. so i'm glad that she has the boobs. and looks somewhat like an androgynous cross between a mat and a meena. the moral dilemma didn't lie in the fact that she was a transvestite. neither was it a problem that she was large.
it was more like because she started calling me a lot after two outings together to purchase those costumes and stuff. ok, so we could talk pretty well. we went to coffeehouses and cake shops and sat down for latte and espressos. it was nice talking to her and hearing her tell me about herself and how she became what she is today. and so nice and friendly she was that she sent me off at the airport on the day that i left even. she wanted to pass some cakes to my chief clerk and thus, took a train all the way to Changi and delivered them. she even helped me to pack my bags which were full of McDonald's burgers and nuggets (it's a tradition to bring back Singaporean food whenever we come back from home leave, and my mom doesn't cook halal, so Macs seemed like the next best and cheaper alternative).
when i arrived back in brunei, she kept calling to find out how i was doing the drag show. she left 8 miss calls over the span of 2 hours when i didn't pick up her call (which my caller ID labelled as UNKNOWN and i don't pick up UNKNOWN phone calls, no matter how many times they are calling). after the drag show, she called to find out how i felt about doing the drag show. a week after the drag show, she called because hse found out from chief clerk that i had 'problems' (the Raffles affair). and i didn't even tell the chief clerk about Mr. Raffles, what more Ros.
and thus, over the span of a month, she has already called umpteen times. and when i don't pick up, she panics and thinks that i don't want to pick up her calls. which is actually true. cos most of the time when she calls, i'm on a PS2 game, and my mind is half shooting down enemies and talking to her. bless her heart, but sometimes i wish it could be talking to the enemies and shooting her down.
and so here comes the moral dilemma:
is it right to tell her to stop calling despite that fact that she's could belong to several prejudice groups, she's insistent about calling me, and the fact that we kinda hit it off a talking partners over 2 sessions of coffee and tea?
i feel terrible and all. whenever i get her call, i ask my gay colleague to answer and give something like 'oh he's at guard duty' or 'oh he's stuck in the toilet (bowl)'.
i can't keep running away from her forever right? and trying to avoid her calls and stuff. and even if i wanna tell her, how do i go about doing that without hurting her feelings?
and thus, some reference material you could download would be a song by Nada Surf. go check out POPULAR. and in less than a thousand words, tell me how or even if i should reject her. remember, i have no morals. but i have a heart.
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