not that i have a lot of morals in the first place. but that doesn't mean i have none also. just enough to tell me that stealing is wrong and fucking the brains out of someone else (regardless of whether he has a boyfriend or not) is just soooooo right. well, it's not everyday that the lines to whether something is right or wrong are so blurred. generally, most of my life is easily seperated between right and wrong. and let's just say that i pick to go down the broadway to damnation most of the time. i prolly have an overdue reservation for a slot in hell since the day i was born.

but then again, what brings about a moral dilemma in me?
well, you see, when i went back home for my home leave recently, i met up with my chief clerk in singapore to purchase drag costumes and accessories for a happy hour kinda event in my workplace. it was to be organized by my deaprtment. and my chief clerk was in charge of it. and my chief clerk, being such a passionate person about the transvestites and drags, decided that a drag show is just the thing we needed to spice up our workplace.

i mean, a dragshow is alread unheard of at our workplace. what more Brunei yah?
so you could say that this was a historical first for my workplace. i definitely went down the annals of Brunei for smuggling wigs, costumes, make-up, fake eye-lashes and etc. into an ulu kampng town.

thus on the day that i met up with my chief clerk, i also met Ros whom he brought along for some professional help. according to him, Ros had some experience in performance make-up and helping drags to put on their costumes and stuff. but i ought to explain this not-so-little fact:

the first word that comes to a typical mind when you meet Ros is the word 'BIG'. i'm not of the typical mind, so the first word was actually 'Humongous'. Ros is pretty plus-sized. in fact, i'm already pretty plus-sized myself. but she adds a totally new dimension to it. i could hide three clones of myself and still have ample space to build the Statue of Liberty behind her. and when we light the fire of the Statue's torch, it'll look like her hair is on fire and she'll be having some sorta aura. it looks cool and all, but lemme just get in front of Ros first.

another thing you need to know about Ros was that she used to be a he. and i'm thinking the way she became so big is because of the lack of physical activity and a rather strong course of hormone therapy. so i'm glad that she has the boobs. and looks somewhat like an androgynous cross between a mat and a meena. the moral dilemma didn't lie in the fact that she was a transvestite. neither was it a problem that she was large.

it was more like because she started calling me a lot after two outings together to purchase those costumes and stuff. ok, so we could talk pretty well. we went to coffeehouses and cake shops and sat down for latte and espressos. it was nice talking to her and hearing her tell me about herself and how she became what she is today. and so nice and friendly she was that she sent me off at the airport on the day that i left even. she wanted to pass some cakes to my chief clerk and thus, took a train all the way to Changi and delivered them. she even helped me to pack my bags which were full of McDonald's burgers and nuggets (it's a tradition to bring back Singaporean food whenever we come back from home leave, and my mom doesn't cook halal, so Macs seemed like the next best and cheaper alternative).

when i arrived back in brunei, she kept calling to find out how i was doing the drag show. she left 8 miss calls over the span of 2 hours when i didn't pick up her call (which my caller ID labelled as UNKNOWN and i don't pick up UNKNOWN phone calls, no matter how many times they are calling). after the drag show, she called to find out how i felt about doing the drag show. a week after the drag show, she called because hse found out from chief clerk that i had 'problems' (the Raffles affair). and i didn't even tell the chief clerk about Mr. Raffles, what more Ros.

and thus, over the span of a month, she has already called umpteen times. and when i don't pick up, she panics and thinks that i don't want to pick up her calls. which is actually true. cos most of the time when she calls, i'm on a PS2 game, and my mind is half shooting down enemies and talking to her. bless her heart, but sometimes i wish it could be talking to the enemies and shooting her down.

and so here comes the moral dilemma:
is it right to tell her to stop calling despite that fact that she's could belong to several prejudice groups, she's insistent about calling me, and the fact that we kinda hit it off a talking partners over 2 sessions of coffee and tea?
i feel terrible and all. whenever i get her call, i ask my gay colleague to answer and give something like 'oh he's at guard duty' or 'oh he's stuck in the toilet (bowl)'.

i can't keep running away from her forever right? and trying to avoid her calls and stuff. and even if i wanna tell her, how do i go about doing that without hurting her feelings?

and thus, some reference material you could download would be a song by Nada Surf. go check out POPULAR. and in less than a thousand words, tell me how or even if i should reject her. remember, i have no morals. but i have a heart.

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