i seem to be making plenty of startling discoveries about myself these days.
my first ever startling discovery was when i discovered that i preferred Eugenes rather than Eunices. i used to like my sunday school teacher very much. that was like primary school. and i didn't realize why i preferred to have a male sunday school teacher to a female one. every guy in my sunday school class had like a favourtie female sunday school teacher. i was the only one who liked the guy one. the floppy basketball hair. the cute youthful looks. the intellectual face behind those glasses.
alas now he looks like shit cos he got married already. to a similar looking girl with an intellectual look behind a pair of glasses. he's now fat, ugly and bogged down with kids.

thus, advice to straight guys: don't legally bind yourself to a woman. not worth it. sign the membership form to a lifetime of men instead.

today's discovery has to do with the way i deal with my finances.
today's my off and so i was taking the bus to town. i was actually listening to my ipod video. remember the 30GB with the horrendous crack down the middle of the screen? yeap. that's the one. read my previous blogpost for more details. so i placed my ipod along the side of the bus seat somewhere and fell asleep. i woke up in a daze and immediately left the bus because it was my stop. and i just left the bus just like that. never think about my ipod or anything like that. i only realized i lost my ipod when i reached for it at the wireless cafe to update the playlist.

the point was not so much about i lost my ipod (it wasn't worth much anyways, cracked screen and plenty of scratches, $200 worth i guess). the really freaking thing was that the first thing that popped into mind was the thought

'never mind lor, lost lost i also don't really care. just get a new one lor'

lemme clarify something first. i may be overseas working and getting an allowance with extra benefits and shit. but i'm no rich prick or anything like that. in fact, i barely have enough for allowances and shit after i spend on food at the canteen at my workplace. but the fact that i could think of something like that straghtaway without much though really scares me. it's not right lah.

so in similar logic, when my mom dies, my first thought would be like 'good riddance, about time my dad got remarried!!'?

i hate change. especially when it involves me.

and yes. i bought a new 2GB ipod nano.

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as much as my narcissistic self loves to be in front of the cameras, there will always come a time when i have to position myself BEHIND the fucking thing instead. these are one of those moments:


god bless the lady that has to unbuckle his pants

one of my nerdy friends (his preference of porn: hentai) bought this belt recently. his mum is the type that wants to send him for speech therapy at the hospital so that she can correct her son's 'speech impediment'. it's not so much a speech impediment rather than an explicit inability to process phonics in his Pentium II processor up there. there are some children that are just meant to be seen and not heard. this is one of them.

(NB: for the visually impaired, the belt says SEX IS LIKE SNOW... YOU'LL NEVER KNOW HOW MANY INCHES YOU'LL GET OR HOW LONG IT WILL LAST, but then again, if you're visually impaired you prolly can't see this also, or this, or this, or this, or this!)



son, can you grab a basket and help me get three black rabbits, a poodle, a gerbil and some terrapins?

we passed this pet shop in kiulap (Brunei's flailing attempt at recreating a Holland Village) which had supermarket baskets and animals placed side by side. i never knew you needed supermarket baskets to shop in a pet stall. but then again, the only pets mart that i've ever visited is the one in Nintendogs (i'm raising a Daschund). so i'm not saying much.



15 for $2.50

15 is one of the first arty-fart films that i've watched. thanks to the wonders of kazaa back then, i caught the original version of 15 before it was officially released into the local cinemas. so imagine my surprise to find the pirated version of 15. it's that popular to be released as a pirated version? should royston be happy? should royston be sad?

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i was in a mood for good design the previous week. so with some spare bedsheets, plastic wrap and plenty of time on hand, i decided to add some good taste in my otherwise drab military-inspired bunk. and by military inspired i'm not talking about the visuals but rather the olfactory.

my living quarters actually consists of six boring beds which serve their original purpose, six boring lockers which serve their original purpose and five boring people who also serve their original purpose. why five? cos those are my colleagues. after staying for 10 months with a group of soccer-loving straight guys, i have learnt one lesson about bad taste. them straight people think that wallpaper means sticking up posters from FHM and Maxim. so every morning they wake up and stare at a pair of boobies on the wall. omg. i just said boobies. ugh. i feel nauseous. to the people like us, wallpaper could either mean stripes that you paste on a hard surface or the magazine. ugh.

similarly, we have this wooden box that we use as a table. the previous gay guy (my colleague) wrapped it up with a green blanket and plastic wrap. it was drab and boring. i mean, just look at this and call the police:



thank goodness God made me gay cos i spent the entire afternoon scotch taping so much plastic. and lemme just say that the scots are good at making scotchs, but when it comes to tape, they seriously had better reconsider. look at the result!!!!






i feel like so wallpaper.

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sometimes i think that i'm really too lucky in life. and it's not like i'm boasting or trying to make myself sound like i have sex with a leprechaun (midget sex? not really my thing). but i daresay that most of my life is really a bed of roses fertilized with mystical unicorn manure. i have not gone through any messy divorces, periods of low income, hunger pangs, terminal illnesses, major family fights or even adulterous uncles or aunties. none! nobody had a miscarraige. nobody is attempting in-vitro fertilization. and definitely no one going for a sex change. very boring right? i might sound like a bastard, but sometimes i wish that my parents would fight or throw plates or do something drastic like get into an affair. like at least give me a reason to call the police lah!!

alas, my parents are the faithfully-in-love-with-God-on-our-side type of parents. in fact, the only traumatizing thing that could prolly ever happen to my family is my mom accidentally mixing the coloured clothes with the whites.

ok wait, i can think of a few traumatic events actually: my relatively well-to-do 3rd aunt... she had a maid who got knocked up by an indon national. the big truth was discovered during a routine medical check-up and when the entire family knew about it, it was like a major uproar amongst the adults. the main issue was whether to send the maid back or getting her an abortion. and the item at stake here was a $5k 'security' bond that my aunt had with the authorities. if the authorities knew that she got pregnant here, they would happily claim the $5k as theirs and use it to add more lift landings and print more election leaflets. nobody could really agree. and even though the maid didn't belong to anybody except my 3rd aunt, everybody still had an opinion. and so, the peasants went into a revolt. the government was in an uproar. anarchy was widespread. the burgeoise went on strike. and everybody took sides.

all my cousins thought it was too awkward to talk about it and we never ever brought the issue up. in the end, the maid was sent back, the relevant authorities never knew and the $5k bond with them was still left intact. i felt sad knowing that someone i seldom talked to (i can't even remember her name!) but whom i saw every week was going back and i was never going to see her ever again. makes you think, doesn't it?

and what about the time i surfed gay porn on my cousin's computer and forget to erase the history folders? and i thought leeching onto free internet at my aunt's was fun until my uncle discovered it and confronted my dad about it. he got so embarrassed that we left straightaway without even taking dinner at my counsin's. it was embarrassing, and come to think of it, still is. i'm the oldest of 9 cousins, amongst my entire paternal family. i'm already 21 going on 22 this year. and i still haven't brought back any evidence that i'm straight and pretty successful in a domestic partnership. so much so that when the topic of a girlfriend and me pops up at the dinne table with the relatives, my dad gives a sheepish look and tells everyone 'In God's time... In God's time'. and he says it in this cryptic tone of voice which translates into 'We all know my son is gay, we're just waiting for the antibiotics'. which then makes everyone think back of the time that i surfed gay porn in my cousin's home which eventually leads to the conclusion that perhaps Jonathan will still be a good-looking bachelor with great taste in fashion and design when he turns 40. or at least that's what i hope they are thinking.

so you see, my life sounds like an episode from a lousy channel 8 drama complete with bad acting, bad storyline, unrealistically good-looking guys (seems like i'm the only one, HA!), and people brought up in English-educated environments trying to speak mandarin but doing really horrid jobs out of it. tis true, i say!!

but then all these problems seems really silly and insignificant when you compare it to what my colleagues have been through. i asked a few of them about their life stories and from what i gathered, you could make one of those indie art films complete with awkward silent moments and multiple tragedies in a totally foreign language. i sometimes think that i need a big bullet-train of tragedy to hit my family so that i can learn some lesson about hardship and suffering. making my family suffer so that i can learn something about the hard life, that's quite selfish hor?

here are actually some tragic stories i've been hearing the past week:
one of my colleagues has a total family income of no more than $2K with the father as the sole bread winner. another has survived repeated hexes and curses from an unknown source since birth (he had 7 potianaks looking into his house the day he was born). another colleague lost his father to a vengeful curse from a lecherous neighbour whom the mother rejected sexual advances from. i also knew of another friend whose dad jumped off a building when he was 8. and he told me he could never forget his dad's face as he lay on the void deck. and there were also several stories about divorcees and the like.

the more i hear of the stories, the more guilty i actually get. what am i guilty about? the fact that i have a relatively good life in singapore? the fact that i'm somewhat in the 'above-middle-but-below-high' class of society? what? the fact that i have parents who care about me so much (alas, it's one-sided, i apparently don't give a hoot as to what happens to them, but that's another story for another time). what? i know i'm an ungrateful wretch. but that doesn't suffice for a reason for my guilt.

it's still something that i'm trying to figure out. but for now, i guess i ought to do something drastic to my otherwise drab life in brunei. as to what that would be, i dunno.

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they say that the reason why cats are afraid of dogs is purely a 'penis envy' kinda thing. and this is evidenced by the local feline population at my workplace.

with the arrival of a new boss, my workplace has transformed into a safe haven for kitty kats. we are now the official SPCA in Brunei whereby the 'C' stands for cats and 'P' for pussy. the new boss (he's already been for 3 months coming) absolutely adores cats. in fact, he keeps 7 of them in his house and he feeds the rest at my workplace with his lunch leftovers. sometimes, i think the only reason why he keeps the cats at work is simply because he has no more space at home. in fact, i wouldn't be surprised to find enough cats at my workplace to stage a musical of the same name.

so if you are a bestiality perv like me, who goes round watching the cats licking their penises. and this is especially true during lunchtime where they eat the leftovers of my boss, lick their penises and continue with the scraps. it's the same concept as sticking a dick up someone's arse, then having to lick it later. like... ewww....

but the main point is that you would have notice the major difference. it's like the moon versus the stars. david and goliath. lydia sum and elijah wood. mine against yours (do note that the former is bigger than the latter). most cat penises are like those cocktails you find at boring ol' house warming parties. the owners dumped every single cent on their 1000-thread count bedsheets and Philip Starck furniture so much so that they have to resort to money-saving tactics to entertain their house warming guests. they poke toothpick through them cocktails, stack them up with capsicums and pineapples and arrange them in stunning formations. that's what i compare cat dicks to. you need to decorate in order to make it look pretty, rather than show it for what its worth.

however, the typical erected doggy dick can be compared to a (for lack of a more humourous word) steaming and piping hot hot dog. and we're not talking about the types you find at the frozen foods department in Giant Hypermarket. we barking mad about frankfurters. we raving on about gigantic doggy dicks that put asian men to shame!

so you see, one's size/assets/networth/character really does matter.

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they say that the reason why singaporean women can't get married to any men is because they are too picky. the qualities that they want in men can range from anything like 'tall, tanned, muscular and into bikes' to 'rich, mature, avid watersports guy'. and frankly speaking, i don't like the sound of the latter. cos if you ask me, waist high swimming trunks are so 60s and Nursing Home. but to put it in simple words, women are STILL looking for the PERFECT GUY.

of course, there's not an iota of relevance behind the two 'theories' (namely cat and doggy dicks VS women and the Perfect Guy) that i've just mentioned. it's just something that i came up with on the spot to fill up my blog-writing quota. so here's the $32,000 singaporean question:

How come people are getting married much later in life these days?

this is actually something i've pondering for some time. i personally, do not have that many 30 year old friends or any straight yuppie friends for that matter. BUT i do have parents who have many church friends, 50% of them which are prolly straight, yuppie and maybe 30. plus my mom joins the church choir which is packed to the brim with yuppies (vibrant young adults with a passion for performance, God and perhaps gaydom; the church choir is the only ADULT performance group in my parent's church).

the point is this: Every month, my parents will get at least one wedding invitation. most of them from couples aged between 27-31. it's this wierd trend that exists in my parent's church. you see yuppies nowadays getting married at 30 when they finally have 'settled down' with somewhat cushy yet mundane office jobs. and it's not only the guy who needs to have the cushy managerial position. the lady also must have her high-flying career well-establish before she can even consider moving in with her other half. do note that by this time, they are already in their late 20s. fertility is becoming endangered and anti-ageing products are the norm.

and why is this so? is it because of the higher costs of living nowadays (eg. expensive taxes, marketing, bills, gase, other people's weddings, house-warmings with beautiful houses but shitty food)? or perhaps the fact that people are just not interested in love? or maybe even (dare i say this?) the faux 'independent, career-minded' woman theory that popping up these days (and so burn my groin guard for this!!)?

and on a side note, i asked several malay friends how many weddings they attended last year and what were the age group of most of them. most of the weddings they attended were couples of age 19-23 and 40% of them were shotgun weddings. and 20% of all the marraiges have already been divorced. also another interesting trend worth noting.

trends trends. i really ought to get married hor. but in amsterdamn.

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