jon's blog

Friday, September 15, 2006

the loneliness + a gaping hole

there are moments in life where you seem to be having the time of your life, doing things that you've always wanted to do, doing things that you've enjoyed doing all along, and perhaps knowing that you'll be doing more things of the above-mentioned in the coming days. but then, lodged right at the back of your brain, you know that there's an empty feeling of sorts, like a cancerous tumour waiting to metastasize. slowly, it's eating out a wierd shape in the mind and heart. and before you even refer to a Bible verse, there's a Jesus-shaped void left gaping in your heart.

and that's quite a moment to take in mind.

i've just finished clubbing and watching a drag show. and it's 3am, i think. and as i sit here comtemplating about the mundaneness of the saturday morning that's inevitably going to arrive in about 4 more hours, i just can't help thinking that life is kinda empty. i just wished that life isn't just about going to random parties, going out with friends, working my ass off, and getting laid and perhaps if one is lucky, finding the love of one's life.

i'm kinda hoping that the Jesus-shaped void can be replaced by something more solid that perhaps satan has to offer. but there's no way i'm turning back to religion unless i can sit down with God and ask if he accepts gay people into heaven. and having gone to church for 90% of my sundays for the past 21 years of my life, i know that God and Gay are two Gs that will never get along. i can't turn to christianity without compromising my beliefs. i can't turn to the super staunch family of mine for any form of gay-related support.

it's a pretty cold world out there with Damien Rice singing in the background.

posted at 6:16 pm by the nurse | Permalink |

8 Comments:

isn't there a gay church that worships in tanjong pagar? read about it in the papers before...

don't ignore Him, jon... we all need Him.
By cynic, at 7:58 am

that's the thing. i kinda know that i'll be needing him someday. but at the same time, i know that being gay and christian at the same time is wrong. god never had a part of heaven that was intended to be pink. so if i were to follow god, i would be compromising my values (if i had any in the first place).
By the nurse, at 9:35 am

you know, i refuse to believe that He would create anybody a certain way and then proceed to deny that person a place in heaven because of the way that person was created.

it's not exactly the mainstream Christian view, but i refuse to believe that being gay equates to being wrong. if a straight boy doesn't buy into that, you shouldn't either.
By cynic, at 11:19 pm

i believe that God didn't install gayboy 3.1 into me when he created me. what happened was that i picked it up along the way. so by default, it's my fault that i'm gay. and i'm responsible for my actions. and i have the bible to back me up on that.

i'm a prude. and maybe a right-winger all along.
By the nurse, at 1:15 am

hmmm... well you know what they always say right? prayer helps everything. good luck jon, and don't be so hard on yourself. =)
By cynic, at 2:40 am

thanks thanks and thanks all the same, dom.
By the nurse, at 7:21 pm

find someone special to be your god.

who exactly defines our "Morals" and "Values"? Unfortunately we were born into it.
By Anonymous, at 2:56 pm

muacks
-dave-
By Anonymous, at 12:31 pm