...though there's a very high likelihood i'll be burning in hell after the demise of my mortal body. maybe that's why there's all this pented-up angst in me. the church that i've attended since childhood believes that homosexuality is wrong. it's the way of the broad and easy, filled with plenty of gay bars along the way. of course, it ultimately leads to hell where the things that are hot there are not only the men, but also the flames of eternity. everybody in the church seems to know this fact, which is why (i guess), that the topic of sexuality is seldom brought up as a sermon topic. it's good actually. because i won't have to live through the awkward conversations with the parents after the sermon. the parents absolutely enjoy relating the day's sermon to every single sin that i commit. on the ride to lunch, they would say things like 'So Jon, you hear today's sermon right? What did the pastor say about homosexuality? it's wrong! you better repent while you still can... blah blah blah... gnashing of teeth... burning forever... no way back...'. the whole time i will have my ipod and Madonna to console me.

still, church and sunday school used to be something that i looked forward to during my primary school days. the sunday school system was split up into the respective levels of primary school. so every year, you belonged to the grade of education that you were currently studying. primary one to three involved a lot of candies and chocolates and fantastic stories from the bible. everything seemed magical. there were angels, sinking constructs built on sand, gigantic boats with pairs of creatures, three old men with expensive gifts for the Messiah and my favourite bible story back then, Jesus feeding the 5 thousand just with a small amount of bread and fish. Jesus had a Gospel rally sorta thing going on back then and there were about 5 thousand people at this event. most of them didn't bring food. but a nice little boy offered his share of bread and fish. so Jesus did his miracle of breaking the bread and fish. and he broke and he broke them into little bits. somehow, there was enough (i'm assuming) Tuna Sandwiches to feed the five thousand. in fact, he broke the bread and fish until there were 12 baskets full left over. now, if only someone could repeat the same miracle in them third world countries. then perhaps we'll stop receiving those guilt-laden UNICEF letters with the chopstick (they don't give a pair, they only give one) in the mailbox. i don't donate to UNICEF by the way. got Angelina Jolie what.

primary 4-6 involved a bit more hardcore stories about the horrors of life and what happens when you don't listen to the guy up there. people get stoned to death. if you cheat with your offering money, you get struck down by lightning on the spot. the bad guys always get their just desserts. and the first time i heard about the concept of adultery was not from the SBC dramas of the 90s, but rather from sunday school during primary 4. one woman in the bible slept with someone else other than her husband (can't remember who). she was supposed to be stoned to death. but Jesus came by and saved the day with the classic quote about 'he who is not guilty of sin ought to cast the first stone'. or something like that. can't remember for the life of me. like ZOMG. i really think i'm suffering from a juvenile form of Alzheimer's.

but what really got me off the beaten track of bible classes was the teenage years. of course, i discovered i was gay at 14. that was a contributing and struggling factor till 16. but i owed most of the struggle to the fact that i disliked the youth group i attended during those secondary school days. and Norman, my fellow church smoker and accountant-in-training is one who can relate to me on this. the youth group 'leader' back then was someone who was prejudiced against people who lacked education. i could see the superficial smile he always had on his face when he talked to the neighbourhood secondary school kids. most of us were from 'boutique' schools like ACS and RGS and MGS and all them schools where the average parents drives a SUV or BMW or whatnot. the rest who were from the heartlands were given lesser attention. it's like Jesus is not for the masses, but for the elite. 'elite, uncaring face' comes to mind here.

and there was a lot of peer pressure involved in those classes. i remember one bible camp where we had a night lesson. it was something about one's salvation and all that crap about accepting lord Jesus in your heart, blah blah heard-it-since-kindergarten routine. it ended with us teenagers having to make a symbolic decision whether to join the 'Lord's side' or 'The World'. so the room was divided into two: one side represented the world, while the other represented God's family. and as teenagers, nobody wants to be outcasted and ostracized. so obviously, everyone picks the Lord's side. i can imagine those who didn't would spend the whole night getting 'counselled' by the youth leader. god, how i hate that word. it's a word that's supposedly filled with passion and stuff. but the corporate world has turned it into a tool for light chastisement. like a slap on the wrist. it's a slap. but still, it hurts.

looking back, i'm kinda glad that the days of Christian education are over. i'm sure some of you back-sliders can relate to what i'm trying to say. they have Girls Gone Wild. in my case, it's Gay Christians Gone Wild, which would make a really good reality porn (which has been like all the rage since Bang/Bait Bus) series featuring church-going boys being persuaded into having sex for cash. of course, despite ranting on and on about how much i hate Christianity and the narrow-mindedness i've experienced with it, i still have to go to church.

this is to rack up those 'filial piety' points that i oh-so-need now, given that i'm getting distant from the parents (not that i have been any closer to them since they found out my preference for the masculine parts). despite the fact that i'm going to hell, i still need their inheritance in the event of death. afterall, i'm living on this earth before going to hell. might as well be rich, no?

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