jon's blog

Saturday, April 19, 2008

straight dreams

it's raining heavily. and not just any rain. it's the type that has monotone clouds, monotone lightning, monotone rain drops. if sound could be described as monotone as well, then it would be apt for the thunder. there's a faint smell of freshly-cut grass mixed in with the rain. and true enough, when the scene pans downwards, we see the horizon defining the sky and an endless field of green grass.

in the distance, we see two people. presumably lovers, presumably star-crossed. like a hundred-metre dash, they run fast. like a war film trailer about lover separated by politics, they run with no regrets. like two magnets separated by a science teacher teaching a class about north and south poles, they dash to each other like it was a scientific law that designated they do so.

the two lovers clash in a hug. they don't kiss. they don't make love on the field. they don't do anything else other than wrap each other in an embrace that possibly explains the context of the entire situation.

two people. a man and a woman. he closes his eyes and cradles her. she is crying tears of reunion. the tears have a special glint though. possibly because they've been diluted with the monotone rain droplets, spelling out a short-lived reunion. she has the face of an angel no less, despite the fact that she's crying.

the hug lasts for no more than a minute. two cars arrive.

and that's when the dream ends.

for most gay people, i'm sure that there's some point in their lives that they've asked themselves THE question. it's a question that maybe spells out self-doubt. maybe guilt. or regret. or whatever negative connotations that come about when i reveal the question in the next few sentences. well i'm not sure whether it's most gay people or it's just me. but it's only recently that i've begun to question myself. 'Could i turn straight again and live with it?' can i revert back to the lifestyle that i left behind oh-so-many years ago? can i drop an ideal that i built my life from, right here, right now, and not look back? can i go back to sex with the supposedly designated gender that society says i ought to be having with? could i possibly get married with a woman and settle down? can i actually deal with having children? when i ponder over such thoughts, the only question that i can truly answer is the one about children. and you know how i feel about children, preferring most of them to be under the care of a Miss Havisham sort of character.

it's definitely a daunting question, even for the most mature gay person. we've spent so many years working hard to get to the point where we are today. we built our lives around values that contravene most of the world's norms. and i can assure you that in the midst of meeting many gay people, most homosexuals have forgotten to add a few accommodating straight people in their list of friends. so you see, it's not like a change of underwear for a gay person to just turn the tables on the sexuality. or to put it in a crude metaphoric 'hur hur hur' sense, it's a bit like wearing a really kinky piece of women's undergarment. you have to take a while to figure out to put which limb into which hole of the undergarment in question.

it is with recent concern though that i've been pondering this question of turning back to the path of the straight and narrow. of course, these thoughts don't just pop by one fine day and rear their ugly head. it's perhaps destiny and fate and the circumstances that they've thrown in that give situations their context. in my case, it's mainly feelings and dreams. well, not dreams of death and dying like i mentioned before in my previous posts. i used to dream a lot about dying, with my playing the role as the person who dies. not a very fun thing to do when you experience the various methods of death with the feelings of pain that my mind conjures up when i'm sleeping. the good thing is that these days, i'm don't dream so much about death anymore. it's as if my mind has decided to move on from horror movies and psycho thrillers and perhaps start watching something else more substantial.

substantial in this case refers to the stuff that you often find in your local film festival. the type that has twenty second shots of water dripping, twenty seconds of silence and another twenty seconds of an upclose shot of a vagina. all for no apparent reason other than to dare the boundaries of film mores and perhaps artistic license. well okay, my dream are not that incomprehensible, but it does give me that feeling when i wake up after my post-night shift afternoon sleeps. the electric fan would be blowing in a corner of the room, the brother would be in another watching streaming movies and downloading porn at the same time, the window reveals grey clouds of impending rain, and i would be up in bed, hearing the sounds of the afternoon heartland soundtrack

i wake up from one indie film, only to be in an indie film of mine.

have i told you about my preceptee before? well, she has the face of an angel to begin with. she's as lanky as a supermodel. she wears braces. she has a great-fashion sense. she's porcelain white. her sinus gets aggravated when she's stressed. she's always giving gentle slap on the shoulders whenever i tell her something bad about a patient. and i like it when girls do that. she's the embodiment of innocence, so much so that you feel like you just want to protect her from the evils of this world. and believe me, i've protected her a lot. i've seen her cry before when an unreasonable renal patient went cranky and start blowing his top over small idiotic matters.

admittedly, i couldn't help but have feelings of attachment for her the first time i saw her. and this is primarily quite weird given that i'm gay in the first place. but you've got to admit once again, that some girls just have the effect on men. i may be gay, but i'm still a guy and men know how to appreciate beauty when they see some. it was with this thought that i realized that in an alternative reality, she would be my kind of girl. of course, in that alternate reality, she wouldn't be married. yeah, she's 19 this year and married to a policeman. i'm attending her wedding dinner in the later half of this year.

so it was with some fright that i woke up to that dream where i hugged her in the rain. she was crying. quite badly. and with that secret sense of longing. of course, this is just mainly what my mind conjures up. i'm sure she's deeply in love with her husband and not feeling this way. but i've always believed in the reality of an alternate universe and another time. somewhere else, we must be related in some sense. either as lovers or something along those lines. however, what matters most is that i'm in this reality and i know that i'm steadfastly gay.

like true colleagues, i told Pangkeng about my dream over a cigarette break. he was smoking a Marlboro light while i on my Consulates.

'i dream about the rest of our colleagues all the time what!' he replied after i told him about my dream. obviously, i omitted the fact that i was gay and that it was a very weird dream for me.

'what do you dream about when you dream of colleagues?' i asked.

he took a long drag of his lights before replying nonchalantly, 'mainly sex lor.'

and to think i'm already making a big deal out of a dream of hugging a married colleague in the rain.

posted at 9:12 am by the nurse | Permalink |

19 Comments:

Maybe... you have a crush?

It might sound weird, but it does happen, and it has happened to me, where the crusher is straight and the crushee is of the same gender.

Don't worry so much about it, you ultimately know who you are best of all, and you most certainly know what your preferences are. :)

Pangkeng sounds like a real character though. Hehe :D
By prawninator, at 3:54 pm

I think I know how you feel about the whole thing....

I dreamt of my colleague twice in pretty amorous ways.... and the first dream occurred when she just started working for a month...
By Marine Man, at 5:09 pm

you could be bisexual - youre young so you havent "found" yrself yet..
By Anonymous, at 7:53 pm

For most of us, gay is the word with the greatest stigma and the strongest impact. It's emotional Hiroshima at first. By the time you've dug deep enough into the core of yourself to admit (especially publicly) that you're gay, you've answered the question once and for all. But no one gets to that point without enduring enough pressure to be driven over the edge by it. Coming out is presented as a matter of going down a certain path when it ought to be a matter of stripping away the last of the lies you've been told about yourself. When I was coming out, I overheard my mother saying 'Please let him be bi so he can still get married, because I deserve grandchildren.' Erm, no, sorry, it doesn't work like that. Her reproductive fantasies and the reality of my neuropsychology are two different things. Despite intellectually knowing that, it takes time (at least a few years) to free oneself at the gut level from the taint of other people's hopes, fantasies, and expectations. Part of that freedom is not freaking out when you have those little passing crushes on someone of the opposite sex. Beauty is beauty, after all; no one is immune to it. Easy for me to say, though; I've got a 17-year head start on you. :)
By sterlinglush, at 12:05 am

"when i ponder over such thoughts, the only question that i can truly answer is the one about children."

you are damn right about the children thing. i m 33y/o, pondered about the questions u had moons back, and all i can agree on is the chilren thing. love to hv children, minus the gal..but how??? perhaps will always be the greatest uncle.. :p
By noosief, at 12:53 am

it is a late night and a girl was having a cup of wine at the pub. then she saw a twink at a table not very far from her sight. he is her dream boy, but she is just too shy to go over and introduce herself to him. but in the end she took up courage and sat beside him. he is a bit drunk, looked quite interested in her, and touched her hands. she is so thrilled as this is the first time having her hands touched by a guy erotically..

it is a romantically luminated shopping mall, when the girl waited for her boyfriend. her boyfriend finally appeared..he was handsome, smoothed face, and taller than her by 10cm. his smiles melted her heart. he holded her hands and walked out of the shopping mall. they took a cab and the guy hinted he would want to go to a hotel. in the hotel room, the girl was lying on the bed and looking at her boyfriend's topless, muscled back, bending down to take his jeans off. she is thrilled and after a while she found that

he is lying on the bed, just woke up from dreams, with his pair of used jeans hanging on the window infront of him!

perhaps this dream reflects the fetish of a lan jiao gay man towards a chee bye str8 man: whose hands had not been holded by a chee bye str8 man for the past 3 decades, or who has not been dated by a chee bye str8 man publicly, or who has not experienced seeing a chee bye str8 man strip show.

or maybe he should ponder why God has stopped the dream halfway in order to prevent it from becoming a wet dream? or maybe he should ponder if he is trangendered rather than gay.

jon, can you interpret dreams like daniel?
By asianthirst, at 5:34 am

u're a guy afterall
By Anonymous, at 10:09 am

Are you sure it's a dream and not a nightmare? :-)
Terry
London
By T, at 4:06 pm

I have a similar experience except I am straight (I guess so). I dreamt that I was kissing this gal, smooching to be exact. I woke up in a state of shock! Not in a pool of sweat but to the fact that the scene just feel so right. So full of passion, love and trust. You just want to keep it that way and not wake up. 2 loving people in an embrace. Similar to yours except we were not running. Lol.

What scares me big time is that I had a boyfriend at that time but I seem to spend more time with my gal friends. This gal is someone I'm close with.

It's after that dream that I start to ponder if I am bisexual or just straight or just some things that the brain does to you; make a dream out of the last person you are thinking about before dozing off.

Honestly I can't think about having a 'girlfriend'. Can't picture it. No offence to others, I cannot take it, me smooching a gal... No way. I know a few lesbian couples and I am comfortable they being mushy but not for my life. However, cos of my broad shoulder, I tend to look like the butch... I was often mistaken for being in a lesbian which is why I have long hair now. Lol.

Anyway, I did think about going over the fence but just couldn't do it. Maybe its just not me.

I am still thinking... Am I straight or over the fence... Hmmm...
By Anonymous, at 5:48 pm

guess its a guy thing. i mean, you do adore her and all don't you?

but since when did dreams really mean anything?

and just wanna add, you've shed some light into guys being nurses. thanks a lot! ;)
By chakry, at 6:20 pm

dreams are meant to stay as dreams most of the time i guess...

if not, i prob be in jail by now.

brachy
By Anonymous, at 9:16 pm

on a sombre note, it's with silent resignation that when we embrace every ounce of our sexuality, we've already grappled with the notion of dying old, childless and possibly partner-less.

while they say that man-man sexuality is a deviation of nature, we're not that far from the norms of humanity. the need/want to leave a living legacy and to be restrained by the comforts of emotional chains, however suffocating.

i know of 2 gay couples who have kids, in sg. and it's quite a tight experience having known how the kid scan be so sensible, though they may not know it consciously, at such a tender young age.

they say that dreams are the gates to your soul. we all want to come back to same person who'll accomodate willingly though we may all fool around, etc.. it's the basic raw emotion. but in our context, it's the norm. i mean, let's get real. we've all seen all gay relationships ending up in flames or being some open arrangement where's the house is always open but never the "matrimonial" bed. heck, some guys who're supposedly married are sleeping with other guys, etc...

it's all part of humanity. however, having said that, we're given choices and choices stem from the awareness and consciousness. we walk the paths we choose and we can blame no one else.

i've seen successful relationships of 10 yrs and counting who're totally monogamous. it's just that we've grown accustomed to skepticism that we're afraid to embrace the truth, however absurd and warped it may seem/sound.

anyway, you'll be fine. we all do. =)
By Anonymous, at 12:27 am

i dreamt of a girl raping me once. and i was actually turned on by it. and i am gay... hmmm...
By Anonymous, at 12:42 am

Only a hug, my man :) Nothing more.

And I always think that we're not 100% completely homosexual or heterosexual.
By savante, at 4:05 pm

i know where you work~~~ hehehe
By Anonymous, at 4:38 pm

that is a very good writing. you're kind of metaphorical, i guess. i think i'm gonna be a constant reader to this blog!
anyway, i think you got a crush on her.
By luke!, at 3:52 pm

prawn: i think true beauty is something that can be appreciated, regardless of sexuality. Pangkeng is the underdawgz. i should show you a picture of him one day.

marine man: oooh... amorous. i like that word. but it happens given that work takes up a rather big part of our life.

ROK: don't think i'm bisexual. i know i'm mostly gay. just that beauty... is just... well beautiful.

marshall: i like the way you explained the growing pains of the gay man's psyche. it's not easy having to cope with the various tricks that our minds keep playing on us. but i think we grow out stronger from these trials and tribulations.

sf: i can safely say that i hate children. i'm a bastard when it comes to the little ones. i like playing tricks like pretending to drop them in front of parents and catching them in the nick of time. of course, the parents don't detect the amount of malice behind these actions. i'm a bastard, ain't i?

asianthirst: ehrm... daniel interpreted less erotic dreams than that. so i can't say i'm an expert. but dreams are fantasies and thought processes attempted to be realities. so don't dwell too much on dreams.

terry: she look very radiant in the dream. you should see her in a wedding gown. she looks blissful. can't say the same for the husband though. hur hur.

chakry: indeed i do adore her. but in an alternate reality like i always say.

brachy: (insert jail-based sex fantasies)

junior: one can't help but by cynical about gay relationships in the long run. but it's always good to view love with a pinch of salt. to protect yourself. to not take things too seriously. appreciate the long explanation on how you feel about love.

brachy: *hugs back* i too, believe that nobody's 100% gay. always good to take everything in moderation and with an open mind.

luke!: life's a metaphor. which is perhaps why i love life so much.
By the nurse, at 12:09 pm

think u jus cyberhugged the wrong doctor. lol

brachy

P.S. I dun mind a real hug, jus to let you know.
By Anonymous, at 11:16 pm

why insist on the binary hetersoxual/homosexual definitions? these are relatively new concepts anyway.

focus not upon the gender of the object of your affection, but rather on just your affection. you'll find things easier that way :)
By Anonymous, at 11:54 am