jon's blog

Monday, March 31, 2008

elephants, oxes, culture and all that shit

i like to people-watch. this is of course, not to be confused with the primary gay past time of cruising for sex. to me, people-watching is one of those activities that you can learn a lot from. it also helps that i have this uncanny ability to notice bizarre little details about people. it could be one's manner of walking, one's manner of speech, the accents, a scar, line of vision, choice of apparel, et cetera. from these details, my mind processes it with cultural facts and information gleaned from life. it mixes it around and comes up with a conclusion as to why that particular detail exists of this person.

i know this makes me sound really intellectual and all, but i assure you that i'm not that clever. and anways, most of the conclusions that i come up with are along the redundant lines of 'He's wearing a white shirt because he's a waiter' or 'Prolly because he likes to wear white'. poin tis, people watching accompanied with the ability to notice bizarre details on people is prolly the main reason why i love visiting foreign countries so much. plus the fact that you can seal real hot men in the flesh.

beats having to download porn just to see a Caucasian.

if there's one thing i've noticed on this trip to Thailand, it's that people go to the Land of a Thousand Smiles for various different reasons. in fact, you could divide up those reasons into two simple ones. for the typical Asian tourist, it's the cheap bargains, cheap food, cheap produce. not forgetting the really (cheap) fact that you can be an average middle class worker in your home country, but thanks to the currency rate and way of living in Thailand, one can really live like a king of sorts. the inexpensive airline tickets are another big lure as well. i can't help but think that perhaps this is why every other gay person in Singapore thinks of Bangkok as the perfect weekend destination to buy cheap goods and hook up with other hot Caucasians or Negroids. pricing, simply put, dominates the mind of the typical Asian tourist.

for the average Caucasian tourist though, it's a totally different matter. in the eyes of the Asian tourist, the average Caucasian is prolly insane. it could be an American tourist taking pictures of the Bangkok rush hour, in the middle of the road. or the purchase of a Jade Elephant statuette or an ornamental vase. i daresay it's that immaterial substance that permeates every corner of Thailand. the typical Caucasian tourist asks questions. why the curves on the roof of a Buddhist temple are done that way. why are the temple domes are covered in gold leaves. why there are over a thousand step on the only entrance to the Buddhist temple in question. it's this all-encompassing thing called Culture.

it's perhaps this stark reason of a lack of culture in our family holidays, that my parents decided on Bangkok with a detour to Chang Mai for this trip. after all, we've done Bangkok so many times that we're prolly bored stiff. the normal routine whenever i go to Bangkok with the family would be to get what i want from the various department stores and then head to the nearest coffee joint for a cuppa, some reading and people-watching. my father will accompany mother on her shopping trips like the perfect husband. my brother will simply follow along because he doesn't have any money of his own to spend.

Chang Mai is quite the desolate place. not as crowded as Bangkok and the traffic is actually way better. and there are 'American' pubs everywhere on the main tourist districts offering ribs and steaks and Chang beer. which explains why the night market rates are prolly jacked up way higher than the Bangkok prices. it's a great place to relax and chill none the less, which was what i did most of the time when the parents weren't in my hair to bug me.

our time in Chang Mai was spent doing cultural things. things like visiting the various handicraft and produce factories with our tour guide, Noi. Noi was really informative and knowledgeable about Chang Mai itself. after all, you wouldn't expect any less from a person armed with a Masters in Political Science from the University of Siam. previously in the import/export trade, he became a tour guide after 9/11 when his businesses folded one after another. and thus, he told us the history of Chang Mai, the various kings, the princesses, the ones who brought back the silk trade, et cetera. i had a better understanding of why the Thais are the kind and hospitable people that they are after listening to his stories.

the second day of Chang Mai was rather exciting to say the least. we went all wildlife and nature and took an elephant ride. Noi drove us all the way to an outpost in the middle of what seemed like nowhere. there was a big sign that announced something in Thai and broken English. you could basically understand two things from the sign:

1) there were elephants in that outpost
2) this was an outpost of some sort

Caucasian tourists were everywhere. most were plus-sized, in their 50s and had really bad peeling tans. the screech of cicadas pierced what would otherwise have been a nice quiet forest of sorts. if you listened closely, you could pick up strains of French, Russian and German words occasionally punctuating the air. Noi who wasn't one to waste time due to our tight schedule of visiting many other cultural-inclined places quickly ushered us onto two elephants, the parents on one and my brother and me on another. i have to admit that the only elephants i've seen are on Discovery Channel, Nat Geo and the Singapore Zoological Gardens. and these are all encounters behind a television screen or at least some fencing. therefore, to see one upclose and feel the skin and all of an elephant is really quite an experience.

riding an elephant is not like riding a horse or a 100% speed mount (to put it in World of Warcraft terms) where you hop on and get to the business district within five minutes. there's a big hand-made seat with leather cushions for two tied on top of the elephant. an elephant trainer sits in front of you armed with a stick and a mobile phone, presumably to send text messages when he's bored ('I'll c u @ outpost 4 lunch in 1 hr, am ridin now'). it's a slow process that only tourists with all the time in the world to spare can afford to do. for this elephant ride, our destination was to the village of what i think was the Lisu tribe in Chang Mai. i felt like a joystick, suffice to say. we constantly swung to the left, to the right and then one sweeping round. this constant pattern of swing left and right and one round was really making me feel queasy. what wasn't helping was that at that point of time, i was going through a bout of indigestion, having consumed a large amount of Chang Mai sticky rice the previous day. i thought of lighting up a cigarette. but i also thought of smoke-aggravated charging War Elephants in a computer-based strategy game (Age of Empires) i once played. i decided to live with the nausea and a handy stash of Maxalon pills that my mother brought along.

we spent close to an hour on the elephants, riding from the outpost all the way to the Lisu village. it's really like National Geographic, crossing rivers, seeing kids play in them, forests and plenty of flies and mosquitoes. my father and i were pretty nonchalant about all things buzzing, having survived the army and all that survival training stuff. my brother and mother though, were constantly slapping them and losing their karma points. our missing luggage hadn't arrived at that point of time and therefore there wasn't any repellent to go around. there was plenty else to see otherwise. the villagers dotting the surroundings. i couldn't help noticing that anatomy of elephant as well.

as you know elephants are BIG creatures. and BIG creatures translate into BIG anatomy. there was another elephant in front of ours. and it had an anus the size of well.... i can't find anything to describe it. but to put it metaphorically and humorously, if you wondered why the Vitruvian Man has his arms stretched out... well it has something to do with the length and width of the elephant's anus. amidst all that gray skin, there was a rude pinkish hole that constantly dripped some really viscous fluid of sorts. one would automatically assume that's the anus of course without expecting anything else other than faecal matter to pop out of it.

but Mother Nature sent her act of confirmation with a really loud plop of sorts. it was that kind of plop that sounded like a human dropping from a building, thanks to CSI. lo and behold, the elephant started shitting mid-trip to the Lisu village. the rude, angry-looking anus in front of us started evacuating huge chunks of big green balls of shit. they looked equally angry too. i'm not sure about elephant social mechanics, but this shitting seemed to be a sign for all the other elephants trekking through the forests to start defecating as well. whilst riding on top of the elephant, one could feel a sort of strain going through mammal itself, before you heard a loud plop behind you.

i'm fine with mammals shitting actually. but i'm not fine when the shit that comes out of the elephant is accompanied with green fluid. and you could be in another country far away from home, but the laws of physics still apply. in this case, wet and hard lumps of shit hitting the floor will cause the wet bits to fly all over the place. 'all over the place' included several spots near my sneakers when our elephant was trying to overtake the elephant in front of ours. who was shitting, no less.

i was therefore really relieved when the elephant arrived at the Lisu village. there were no tribal dances and people crafting wooden inanimate objects as the average Caucasian tourist would expect. my parents though, being the Asian tourists, predicted another tourist trap selling handicrafts. and true enough, there was a whole row of stalls selling local products, mainly along the lines of bags and trinkets. business was bad. not because there were few people visiting the village solely to pee in the toilets and get a few drinks. but prolly due to the fact that there were about fifteen over shops all selling THE SAME trinkets in THE SAME colours and THE SAME designs. and every shop owner was a Lisu girl dressed in THE SAME tribal costume saying THE SAME welcoming greeting of 'You want come see!' in THE SAME accent and THE SAME tone of voice. i'm not trying to be degretory here or anything like that, but some business smarts would be really welcome here. obviously, the whole batch of tourists around us never bought anything.

you must be wondering then, how on Earth did we get back to the elephant outpost? thank goodness it wasn't by elephant this time, but rather ox-cart. two oxes, a wooden cart and a ox rider armed with an even bigger stick of sorts prolly to tame the critters. he had a mobile phone as well, of course. it was a really rocky ride. and from the experiences, i couldn't help but conclude that our oxes seemed really unintelligent or have problems with psychomotor-coordination. the right ox kept veering towards the right of the designated dirt path. and to the right of the dirt path is a bunch of trees. hoorah.

the ox rider of course, had to do something. and he had two things i hand, the taming stick and the mobile phone. i was hoping he would use the mobile phone actually and call some friends for a replacement cart or whack the ox or something. simply because the taming stick was really thick and had a huge wooden ball at the end of it. getting bashed with it would result in internal haemorrhage or some random forensics detail. 'WHOCK! WHOCK' two hard beatings on the ox's back were given. being people of urban living, we as a family were of course shocked. my dad gave the ox rider a nice tip of two hundred baht after the whole ride which lasted a good half hour.

we asked Noi later on as to why the ox rider gave the poor critter such a harsh chastising. he told us simply that oxes in the Thai culture are considered to be one of the less intelligent creatures when compared to others such as monkeys and elephants. there was no other way to teach it properly other than 'negative reinforcement' (in his own words). SPCA would come beating at the Lisu village's door step.

but then, that's culture for you.

posted at 9:26 am by the nurse | Permalink |

27 Comments:

Sounds like my holidays with the family but I am hanging on for the saucy bits of the holiday. Am sure you won't let us down.

can
By Anonymous, at 1:50 pm

dun really wanna sound all cheesy and cliche but... well... its really comforting to read yr posts after a long day in sch/work... haha i rode on an elephant b4 too... have fun yeah... =D
By Anonymous, at 9:21 pm

Dont you explore the gay massage places in Bangkok when you were alone sipping coffee? :)
By Anonymous, at 10:15 pm

Apart from elephants, I am sure you rode something else. Administer your confessions, dear nurse ;
By the penile poet, at 2:09 am

less inteligent or not, it still breathe (a very humanitarian and animal lover, well, at least i sound like one).
By Anonymous, at 11:05 am

i love chiangmai. the elephant riding was fun. mine went off course so i had a little adventure but it hurts to see its 'master' beating him badly for misbehaving
By Anonymous, at 2:00 pm

I had a good laugh reading about your elephant adventure. Chiang Mai's a nice place; shame you didn't really get to enjoy it properly!
By sterlinglush, at 6:50 pm

None of the salacious sex details that I look for in other blogs but much more enjoyable to read. Shit, I must be getting old
By Perry Neeham, at 10:35 pm

You are surely an odd duck Jon. The vacation is full of lost bags and elephant poop. Nice.
Make me feel lucky I was at work.
If you come to Maui Hawaii, I am convinced that somehow, you will experience whale shit while no one else has ever seen this (smile).
Your life is just plain odd.
And I mean that in the most cheerful way.
By Jim Anderson, at 12:07 am

terry said...

Good luck with the holiday! I think holidays depend on your attitude. You can enjoy anything if you are in the right mood.

Thanks for an enjoyable read.

London
By Anonymous, at 6:38 am

Noi seems to really know his stuff and that is just awesome. I wish I knew just as much about Singapore's history, but hey, History could have been taught in a much more productive way in my opinion.

Also, I didn't think you could write so much about elephant shit but I was definitely amused.

Anyway, it was great hanging out with you last weekend! Gotta do it again soon, this time armed with DS's. Just don't challenge Weiyi to Puzzle Quest; he WILL whup yer arse.

:3
By prawninator, at 3:27 pm

Great read!

Not that I don't enjoy reading your elephant shit and ox whacking adventures with the family, but you are in Bangkok no less. The Asian SIN city!

Lotsa hot Thai boys and massages with happy endings. Time to experience the hospitality of the Thais Jon!
By Unknown, at 5:02 pm

Forgot to mention.
How about brother going with you to the coffee shop. Dad goes with Mom because it is his duty and brother goes along because he has no money (reminds of the comedian who explained that dogs are so loyal because they have no money of their own and worse yet, no pockets to carry it in if they had any).
Poor sad, yet shapely nose little brother is stuck with mom and dad.
Older brother should take him under his wing to the coffee shop and bond based on mutual suffering.
Leaving him stuck with the oldies seems like punishment; has he been mean to you (smile); I mean besides the fact that he has a better nose.
By Jim Anderson, at 5:48 pm

hey jon,

riding on an elephant is much more comfortable than riding on a camel. i have rode on a camel in the desert in northern China, no cushioning, with my legs wide open. my legs got numb after a short while...just for that stupid photo taking session.. :(

poor ox! ox is considered to be a god in places like india, and are treated with respect, while ox is treated with contempt in thailand. the same goes with gays, e.g. the 2 'SA's => South Africa vs Saudi Arabia. Haven vs Hell!

poor the brother! he should have stick around with you. you should have enough finances to feed him in low-cost thailand.

green sticky fluid coming out from the arse!! I supposed those elephants have drank some unhygenic tom yum soup left over from a dirty street market the night before. does the fluid smell like shit from the lim chu kang duck farm? i supposed they should have made much noises during the process?

apart from the well shaped arse, have you also seen any other "BIG anatomy"? how long and how thick are they? is there any white and sticky fluid coming out from them? keke..
By asianthirst, at 8:59 pm

Whoa. Now tell me what did you buy from there? Surely not tees only? And aren't there any cute guys? :)
By savante, at 6:14 pm

fun read! it's too bad you didn't enjoy chiang mai. it's one of my favorite places.
by the way, i'm going to singapore for the first time on april 15 to 18. any recommendations on great places to see?
By the boomerang kid, at 9:49 pm

This comment has been removed by the author.
By Anonymous, at 11:26 pm

Why so long no post Jon? Prawninator is such a bore and her face scares me....she sucks! How is a glamorous queen like you hanging out with a geek like her??
By Anonymous, at 7:01 pm

Wow, thanks, night shift worker.

Really nice of you.

[/sarcasm]
By prawninator, at 1:26 pm

YIKES!!! Its the Prawninator photo again!!!! Damn terrifying..scared the shit out of me...you should change your pic it scares little children...
By Anonymous, at 6:17 pm

I didn't know you were a little child.

That explains a lot though.
By prawninator, at 10:13 pm

can: i'm sorry to say that i will most prolly have to let you down because i had nil sex in Thailand. tragic.

nard: awwww. you make me blush. serious!

thefallenpen: oxen, yes. taxis, yes. tuk tuks, yes. men? no.

wiki: true true. but different people interpret things differently. and most of these interpretations are tainted or coloured by culture.

moon: i really felt bad for the animals. but i'm not the master. so i didn't have much say.

marshall: i totally agree with you. i had a lot of beer in Chang Mai though. cheap and really potent stuff. i went back to the hotel room every night with a glazed look in my eyes. parents were asleep of course.

perry neeham: sex isn't everything you know. but of course, young or old, we all still love sex. well, at least this young person still does.

jim anderson: heh. maybe it's just life viewed through my eyes. my mind tends to see life through metaphors and loads of humour. after all someone once said, 'Life is a metaphor.' Goethe, i think.

terry: no problem. i love telling stories. i think i would make a good grandpa. that is, if i can get through the marriage or adoption part.

Prawn: hell. i enjoyed myself too. and i tried Kingdom of Loathing. totally hilarious shit. and seriously, i suck at Puzzle Quest. so no, i shan't challenge WY to that.

jock: ah yes. i got to see a lot of thai boys no less. but not in the a-go-go bars alas.

asianthirst: i got to see a really humongous elephant dong. it was the size of several cucumbers put side-by-side. it was beige. and it was monstrous. scary, actually.

savante: tees with cute guys on it? no cute guys in tees alas.

the zen bitch: still not too late, do visit the Tiong Bahru area. it's the gay haunt of Singapore. loads of clubbing. gay ones, that is. try
Tantric if you like gay expats.

night-shift-worker: i don't appreciate you dissing fellow readers of this blog. please refrain from doing so. at least she has the decency to post a picture of herself i could relate to. you don't have a picture for your identity. not that i have a very good picture of you now.
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