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i could go on for 40 days and 40 nights about my blog title and bore you to bits and pieces with 10,000 different ideas i actually had for the name of this blog but because of the 500 characters limit that is imposed upon this mechanism which, by the way, is supposed to promote free speech, i shall shorten it to just two words basically describing what the hell this is all about and who this hell belongs to.
Saturday, March 29, 2008

why my mother can't survive a holiday disaster

for the uninformed (as in you didn't get the information, not as in you have a uniform fetish of sorts), i'm just returned from a short hiatus in Thailand. Chang Mai, to be precise. remember that Tokyo trip for two that my mom won first price for in her organization's annual dinner and dance? it was apparently a five days four nights thing for two to the land of the rising sun, costing somewhere between three to four thousand dollars. i would have bore no grudges or feelings of jealousy if the two parents of mine decided to be selfish (for once) and claim the trip for themselves. in fact, i can already see them soaking up the heat in the hot springs and eating sushi while making loud exclamatory noises ALA Japan Hour. back in Singapore, i would have practically the whole house to myself with no one to constantly bugger me about my smoking habits while i play World of Warcraft.

but obviously, something like that would be rather hard-pressed to happen. mainly because my father is a family man. the duty-bound, 'my children's expenses before my HD TV', responsible person that one would rarely find in these days of materialistic wealth. the father would not have it any other way than a family trip, the main reasons being that:

1) we as a family, have not been on a holiday in a very long time (the last time we went on one was to Vancouver in 2005)

2) the brother is entering the army for his National Service soon - it's difficult to plan a trip when one of your relatives is in the military (or any other governmental organization for that matter)

3) it is after all, paid by my mother's organization.

and thus, plans were made and think tanks in the entire family's heads were activated to brainstorm for holiday destinations we could actually go. we actually did set out sights on several places initially. Japan, for the culture and the food. Perth, for the farmland animals, koalas, kangaroos and perhaps the food as well. UK for the art, gardens, palaces and tea, presumably. Korea, for i dunno.... Bae Yong-joon and kim chi? so many holiday ideas, mainly about food, but here's the catch: hey! reality check people! we don't have enough money!!

and thus like scorned upper middle class people having to make do with second best, we decided on Thailand. and do note, this is after i contributed at least a thousand dollars for airfare (mine), another two hundred for food and on the mother's behest, a final hundred dollars for the brother's expenses (who couldn't be bothered to take up a part-time job despite having been lazing around for two months coming while waiting to enlist in the army). that's practically three quarters of my month salary. whatever happened to responsibility and duty-bound and 'my children's expenses before my HD TV'?

and thus, with our luggages in tow, we found ourselves at Changi International Airport on a friday. despite the time being no more than six o'clock in the wee hours of the morning, the father seemed rather perky. so did the mother. and of course, the brother. i was still recovering from the night shift blues, having completed another set of nights from monday to thursday. it was all pretty much a blur to me. the checking in, the piling of the luggage on the baggage counter, the passports, the sudden disappearance of myself for a quick cigarette break. i had a feeling that i was not really going to enjoy this trip. based on past experiences, i could already foresee intermittent periods of silence where nobody knows what to say, phases of indecision where nobody knows what to do. i brought along my laptop because of this. if i'm bored or speechless, i could open up my laptop and start surfing on the wi-fi internet. falling short, i could bash myself on the head with it for agreeing to come on this trip.

the plane ride was uneventful. a ride to Suvarnabhumi Airport and then a quick transit to Chang Mai International. the children barely communicated more than a few sentences and brief terms of agreement to the parents throughout the entire ride from Singapore to Chang Mai. even then, the method of communication was mainly through a family-trained tradition of grunts and nods. however, all this changed when we tried to survive our first-ever family holiday crisis. we were awaiting our baggages along the belts. my humongous Quiksilver carry-on, check. my brother's small carry-on, check. the parents' medium-sized wheelie, check. the parents' large boxy luggage, ch.... wait, where is it?

it's one of those epiphanic moments of denial that you typically see in American dramas. you know when the lead is alone and in another country without her baggage. a really emo-sounding indie tune would be accompanying the scene and the baggage belt just grinds to a silencing halt at the appropriate climax of the song. except that in this scene, we had just one luggage less, two really calm men, one panicky mother and one nonchalant teenager. the baggage belt did have that really have an impact though. it seems rather to silly to stand watching at a non-moving baggage belt, but we did just that. presumably hoping that some random Thai airport staff would poke his head from the dark recesses of the baggage belt entrances and start screaming something incoherent like 'PRAKTUCHAI KAP SUM PONGSAP SONGKHRA BAGGAGE SINGAPORE KRAP PONG PONG KRAP??' (loosely translated: 'What in lemongrass is this baggage from Singapore doing in here at the end of the baggage aisle?')

and i'm not kidding you when i tell you the first thing my mom said was this:

'*gasp* But all my facial products are inside!!!! my hand cream. my moisturiser. my sunblock!!!!'

my mother - 45 and still quite the bimbo. my dad was primarily concerned with his itinerary and PDA and electrical chargers, which of course made more sense. he took it much better though, in the same resigned way that i seem to have learned from him. no point crying over spilt milk. we thus lodged a lost property claims with a pretty Thai lady of about late 30s. she was your traditional Thai beauty. the type that should be found working the duty free counters rather than handling your lost luggage. her make-up was so thick that you could go all Discovery Channel on it with your hammer and chisel and discover fossil fuel and dinosaurs bones beneath it. she seemed more preoccupied with holding her pen in a manner that wouldn't put her well manicured and painted nails in harm's way. this of course agitated my mother even more.

word was therefore put out from Chang Mai to Bangkok for a serial tagged baggage. and seriously, there was nothing much we could do since our one piece of luggage was not in Chang Mai anyways. with that, we proceeded out of customs and into the warm humid air of Chang Mai. our tour guide, Noi, a very jovial-looking gentlemen of about forty greeted us warmly. my father greeted him back as Nok. and for the rest of the trip, he was Nok. nobody bothered to correct him, not even Noi himself.

of course, my parents who have never had luggage lost overseas before packed all their important essentials like mobile phones and itineraries into one big bag. my mother was acting in a forlorn sort of manner that started to drain the spirits from the trip. we could be visiting a Silk factory and she would suddenly start talking about her moisturiser. half-way through a paper umbrella crafts centre, she would recall that she was unprotected from the UV rays and bemoan the lack of sunblock.

mid-way through lunch at a hole in the wall Thai restaurant she started to urge the father to push the tour guide to make frequent calls to the airline side to get updates. she said in Mandarin that she thinks Noi isn't trying his best to look for the missing luggage. and when the mother speaks in Mandarin (which is seldom), she's trying to hide something or say something bad. the fact that Noi was also a smoker wasn't really helping him build cred with the parents. having smoked a cigarette with Noi a few tourist stops ago, i asked him about the luggage. he simply said that these things usually resolved themselves within a day or two. nothing much to worry about. 'your mother seems very worried though,' he added. we shared a rather resigned smile.

because of this constant association i make with evil whenever my mother speaks in Mandarin, i decided to tell my mother to get a grip on herself. in a nice way, of course. i offered her my facial foams and washes. i even offered her my exfoliating scrub which had granules the size of Pakistan and would probably get rid of half her face. 'But all my Truste products....' she wavered off. 'You really Truste your products eh?' my father giggled. the brand of multi-level marketing lycopene-based facial products that she used was of course, aptly named Truste. i wanted to laugh out loud, but then again LOL, LMAO or even ROFL for that matter, in front of the family.

of course, all that worry was for naught. because roughly one and a half days later, our luggage arrived intact, smelling like airplane cargo. my father thanked Noi profusely, even shaking his hand so much that the coins and keys in his pocket jangled like Christmas. as we checked the luggage in the hotel room, we couldn't help but notice a little tag that indicated from whence our baggage came from.

a chinese logo. chinese words stating the name of a china-based importing company.

yes, China.

posted at 10:43 am by the nurse | Permalink |

5 Comments:

nice.. i can completely share your sentiments in the exact same way. 'sigh of resignation to the fact that mothers are like mothers "panic like end of the world, and furies like the apocalypse". God Bless. LoL
By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:36 pm  

u know jon, your style is bit like gerald durrell - he wrote "My family and other animals." You shd read it, its hilarious. Good post lah, made me laff, hur hur..
By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:57 pm  

hey.... i like this one. but i think i bump into you just now at marina sq. but then my brain was abit too slow to know that it was you. slow slow. ya, you were with a big girl in pink. you're a cute twink!

alex
By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:29 am  

Looks like your luggage travelled farther than you did :)

And btw, I do have snazzy pink and red shirts in my wardrobe. :)
By Blogger savante, at 8:55 pm  

hi jon,

alex is lucky to meet you in marina square. i came back for a week and never had a chance to meet you. the hospital was just too big for the operator to locate you, or becos you are in thailand, or maybe becos i am not attracted to guys in pink shirts. =P anyway hope to bump into you when i am back next time...probably next year..

you have called 'the' brother, but 'my' mother and 'my' father this time instead...=P

i remembered when my family went to UK about 10 years ago, we lost out luggage too. my mum was shocked and complained. but it was sent back to us the next day with a broken handle and wheel. not all airports are of first class std like changi!

the next funny thing was that my dad wanted to cut budget, and booked a ho(s)tel. Perhaps he thought it was a cheap, cheap "hotel". my parents got shocked when they realized the room is stuffy, dusty, and with a spoilt phone. The place was resided by some foreign youths with tattoos, piercings, smoking and drinking habits. when it got late and we came back to the ho(s)tel on the first day, we found many (str8) couples sitting on the corridor outside our room hugging and kissing, and as we entered our room, we found another couple inside!

haha. they had their clothes on (or maybe they were going to take their clothes off soon). The system of the ho(s)tel was damn bad ok..luckily our luggage were not stolen. my mum complained in cantonese and wanted to sterilize the beds just in case there was hiv on the bedsheet! i supposed they are too conservative to embrace such a liberal lifestyle of the foreigners, LOL.
By Blogger asianthirst, at 3:39 am  

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Name: the nurse
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About Me: i'm a nurse, i'm gay, i smoke, i play the piano, i patronize the theatre, i flip through glossy magazines for no apparent reason, i love sex, i am a left-handed libran, i watch art-house films mostly, i love house music, and did i say i love sex?
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