i've never liked the whole process of moving and shifting houses. it's not only tedious, it's involves a lot of administrative work, and oh boy, bizarre people who have never seen a very neat house complete with Christianly wall hangings. i remember the first time my family sold our five-room apartment at Chua Chu Kang, we had what Singaporeans fondly call 'the viewing'. this involves a lot of Tetrapack drinks, hor d'oeuvres upon my mother's insistence ('buyers can't make decisions on an empty stomach!'), and a lot of housework. i was always in charge of vacuuming. my parents would take the viewers on a short tour around our obsessively clean five-room apartment. once a viewer left the apartment, i would be out with the vacuum cleaner doing my thang.

the Zhang family lodgings are perhaps one of the cleanest and homeliest of places around. we don't employ domestic help to do the housework, so its mainly left to the people living in my house. except the brother of course, who believes in maids (my parents and i, we're the maids) and doesn't even bother to do a single piece of housework. i can't wait to boot his lazy ass to National Service. i have been to a fair number of people's homes in my time, and well.... stayed overnight on some instances as well. and nothing comes close to the overall neatness and cleanliness that my home has. in fact, i have this weird need to check out people's toilets when i visit. not only do you get to see their beauty secrets, you also get to see the stray hairs and rolling balls of dust (like in those Westerns), all happening beside their expensive Biotherms and SK-IIs.

the one thing however, that really makes the Zhang residence stand out the most, has got to be the feelings evoked within the viewers when they visit our home. maybe it's my father's ardent zealousness and the four different bibles and various plaques of bible verses (Joshua 24:15, As for me and my house we will serve the Lord) all hanging around the house, but the general comment that my parents get from them potential buyers are quite bizarre:

'You've got a very peaceful and tranquil home!' - this lady never bought the apartment

'I can feel a good spirit in this house, almost like an angel!' - i was pretty freaked out by this, coming from a couple of newly-weds. they didn't buy the house as well.

'You've got a good Christianly home! And your this finger food ah, the clams are excellent!' - this elderly couple (Christians as well) took an extra portion of Tetrapack drinks and polished off my mother's hor d'oeuvres, AND NEVER BOUGHT THE HOUSE! Parasites!

'I get a good feeling in this house!' - Okay yes, yes, we all get it! this house comes free with a good spirit and a psuedo-presence of the Good Lord, so are you going to buy the bloody apartment?

one of the problems we didn't have any luck after two viewings could simply boil down to the fact that my parents wanted to strike a deal with other Christian brethren. and so, they requested for a Christian house agent, to get more potential Christian buyers. perhaps to preserve the warm, snugly feeling of God in our home, or simply just so that God can broker the deal or something. it wasn't until we had the first non-Christian buyer that came to our home and had a quick look. they bought it on the spot. and that evening, i remember my father bringing the whole family out to some expensive buffet somewhere.

the following week, he paid the down payment for a Nissan Sunny, from a Christian car salesman no less.


remember the seemingly crazy neighbour who lives above me that goes shouting 'ZHU BAH JIE' at the most insane of hours (eg. midnight?). actually, for a quick recap, you could just refer to project 355: even free has a motive (yes, click on it! you know you want to!). the good news is, he's moving out. the bad news is, not without damage to my health. or at least, that's what i suspect. and for a good reason too.

like i mentioned before, there was a period of time when the Satanist neighbour would give out free cigarettes for no apparent reason. most of the time, i would refuse to take them or i would not smoke them. it wasn't until last year October, that he started free loading off my cigarettes. not helping is the fact that the neighbour is a practising Satanist whom i can't help wonder if he has done stuff to my father before. he once mentioned while smoking my cigarettes, 'hey, i think your father doesn't like me' (my father being ardent and zealous and all that). just prior to this sentence, he was talking about how he cursed his classmates using voodoo dolls.

besides, it's not like i can run away from him. this neighbour lives above me. his balcony is just above my front door. so each time i pop out for a smoke, there he would be, looking down from the balcony and shouting to me 'Smoking ah???!' and within ten seconds, he would run out from his home and join me for a smoke. and watching him smoke can be quite unnerving. i had my suspicions that he was on psychiatric medication. he needs help lighting his cigarettes, given that his hands are always trembling. plus he's always licking his parched lips - dehydration - another side effect of anti-psychotics. it wasn't until one day when i made the fatal error of giving him my mobile phone number when he casually mentioned after six missed calls in a row, 'Hey, i didn't go see my psychiatrist today.'

the first thought that came to mind was 'Chee bye!' the second thought was 'how am i going to reject giving a psychiatric satanist neighbour cigarettes?' so we've proven the PSY bit. but what about the Satanic bit? after all, i've only got his word to take it for real. well, throughout our conversations sponsored by my free cigarettes, he would constantly mention a lesser demon. he would always mention how he wanted to 'Soul Link' with the demon and gain its powers and all that dark mumbo-jumbo. i of course, thought he was joking. until the day when he showed me his identification card whereby he took on the name of this lesser demon. once again, the first thought that came to mind was 'Chee bye!'

and so began a game of hide-and-seek. i would actually sneak out just to smoke. and when the Satanist neighbour could actually smell my cigarette smoke, he would dash out of his house making a whole lot of noise in the process. and i, scantily clad in boxer briefs and singlet, would be chased around the whole apartment block just trying to avoid contact with him. because what would you do when a psychotic and Satanist neighbour asks you for a cigarette and already for the umpteenth time? not that i'm being stingy, but there's a limit to free even.

it wasn't till the last time in late December when i sat down with him for a cigarette (it was after the night shift and i was too tired to get chased around the block), that he said to me cryptically: 'I've done something really bad. Something really bad that i would never be forgiven.' when taken in context, the last time i bumped into him before this was the first time i outright refused to give him cigarettes because he was holding his own pack in his hands. 'Why should i give you cigarettes when you have your own?' i told him. and he left with a disgruntled look on his face.

i couldn't help but shudder to recall one other conversation we had about how he had tried to kill his parents when he was 'possessed' by a lesser demon and how the police were involved. or the time when he decided to stop taking his anti-psychotics. with all this in mind, i can't help but be inclined to draw a missing link between sickness and a work of mischief on the Satanist's part.

the Satanist has moved out since then. but like i said, not without suspected damage to my health.

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