(today's song is courtesy of Gregory Chan and his superb taste in music)

i like waking up at 9am in the morning and looking out the window to realize that it's raining cats, dogs, mice, roosters, ostriches, elephants, supermodels, politicians, plumbers, etc. today's one of those days apparently. it would have been a perfect morning if not for the fact that there's a lump in the back of my throat that's the size of a supermodel specializing in plus-sized maternity dresses. that and the fact that instead of feeling warm under these bedsheets, i'm actually shaking like an Osim Massage chair. and i'm not randomly using metaphors such as 'Osim Massage Chair' because my brain is not at maximum functioning capacity or simply because i'm on a Piriton high. no.... it seems that my body tends to shiver in some unexplained coordinated motion, as if there's some sort of National Day Parade mass display going on in there that i'm missing out on.

it starts with the lower limbs. i take a deep breath and it stops for about ten seconds or so. and then the pelvis starts doing a Shakira. another deep breath contains it for less than ten seconds, and then the torso starts convulsing. if Google Earth can look through HDB apartments, it would look as if i'm in dire need of an exorcist. one deep breath and twenty seconds later, everything stops for a moment. and just when i beginning to think that the coast is clear, the shakes come back in full force complete with fireworks and all three parts of the body convulse together in full force. alas, another deep breath does nothing but reset the whole process, causing the shakes to start back at the lower limbs once again. i spent most of the past three days in bed, taking deep breaths, shivering away and getting tired of not being able to sleep.

thus it was today that i decided to head out for some fresh air, rather than staying in that dark and dank room where both the brother and i exchange flatulence and bacteria on a daily basis. of course, fresh air also meant a cigarette, which i know many of you guys are tsk-ing away in disdain. 'This incorrigible smoker... tonsillitis already still want to smoke' well, okay if it makes you feel better, i smoked less than five sticks yesterday. my daily average is ten.

i wanted to have Nestum for breakfast. knowing that everybody at home is a big fan of Quaker Oats, i guessed that i would be hard-pressed to even find a sachet of Nestle nestled somewhere within the kitchen. sure enough, a quick rummage through the pantry where we keep all the dried goods revealed nothing more than oats, coffee, brown sugar, a huge tin of Anlene, some Splenda (i don't know where the mother gets these American products from), cocoa powder, instant noodles, and get this: a tin of Nespray milk powder. the mother purchases fresh milk from the supermarket on a daily basis. and the last i recall, there are no more children coming from the loins of the Teo family.

and so, armed with a mission and a pack of Viceroys, i made my way in the chilly drizzle of a Tuesday morning, to the supermarket nearest from home. of course it would have been perfect if not for a random stranger who attempted to make contact with me. this is one strange thing i have noticed about myself apparently: i attract strangers the same way oil lamps attract fruit flies. on working days, i'm like the walking street directory of the hospital complete with open-hand pointing gestures. on non-working days, i'm the most pleasant-looking thing to approach to spread the word of God. it's even worse on weekends when i'm the number target of the Flag Day Kids. not helping is the fact that i'm not keen to donate to any organization other than the SPCA. the kids bugger me all the way from Chua Chu Kang to town, all asking me to help the disabled, crippled and dying. i wipe their asses on a daily basis, okay!

today's stranger came in the form of a heartland auntie. she saw me once and she started giving me that 'i'm-stranded-in-Chua-Chu-Kang-and-i-don't-know-the-way-out' look. how could the customer service officer in me resist such an opportunity to assist the public? what followed was a conversation held in mandarin:

Auntie: Errrr... sorry ah. Can i teach you how to chant some sutras?

Me: What? (inhales cigarette)

Auntie: Can i teach you to chant some sutras?

Me: Ehrm.... I'm Christian? (exhales cigarette)

i couldn't figure out in time what was the mandarin equivalent of non-religious. thus the next best thing that the translator could think of to get rid of this bizarre stranger was Ji Du, the direct translation for Christ (i think). despite the cigarette, she believed it, i guess. because she skedaddled quickly, asking me to not get offended.

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