jon's blog

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

project 355: grandpa wants to see my wife

once again, this is photographic evidence that i have absolutely not mastered the art of smiling pleasantly. blame it on the bizarre cheekbones i have because they have a tendency to scrounge themselves up in places that turn a smile into a sex deterrent. this theory has been proven and tested when i cruise for sex at the spas. strange hunky men think that i'm a bottom when i give the pleasant look of happiness. smiling in the spa seems to say 'fuck me' with an exclamation mark, no less. thus to avoid having to launch into the tiresome 'my-ass-is-mainly-one-way' explanations, i go about exuding the cynical scowl permanently.

but enough about my drastic need for facial reconstruction in the near future because that's not what this post will be about. rather, i'm going to be talking about the paternal grandfather and his wish to see me married off before he passes. this simple request i would be very happy to do, because who doesn't want marital bliss to one person for the rest of his/her life? however, in my case there's just one very small delicate detail - a preference for another groom to get married to, rather than a bride. the paternal family do not know that i am gay and 'tis not wise to give them prior knowledge of it too, since all of them are pretty hardcore Christians as well. it is with this sentiment, that i am foreseeing a future as perhaps a bachelor, fake girlfriends and the publishing of a book titled '101 excuses to not get married for the gay man'.

the topic of my 'impending' marriage was thus thrown into view once again when i went over to the relatives' for dinner one evening. this was done per request of the mother via autoroaming from Malaysia. i felt bad to reject her because she had been the one stocking up on the groceries to cover us during the entirety of this trip. plus she had thrown in some spare cash for us to use during this time as well (possibly to cover my admission into the spas). and if you want to go further, i technically borrowed her womb as a rent-free sorta accommodation during the fetal days. so a small request like this wouldn't kill me lah.

i wasn't that keen on going because making a solo trip there would be hazardous. i expected the relatives to start peppering me with questions about my future and girlfriends. to which i would have to lie. now, i have no qualms about lying because deceit is very much the way of the world these days. but if given a choice, i would rather not. because lies are like little bunny rabbits, the just keep reproducing themselves. one lie begets another lie and before you know it, you are immersed into a family of deceitful bunny rabbits that keep growing by the minute.

all that said, i might my way over to the relatives, thinking of the possibilities of '101 excuses to not get married for the gay man' en route. suffice to say, the evening was full of pleasantries. i made small talk with my god-mother (the father's sister) over chrysanthemum tea and a very horrid Taiwanese drama with actors who spoke their local version of Hokkien. we talked about cousins and their work and whether they could get hitched or not.

all was going well until the grandfather who had just finished with the cooking, plonked his big ass down on the sofa and broached the imminent question of whether i had a girlfriend or not. i was cornered like a sorority girl in a dark alley with no way of escape except by letting the assailant get his way with me. thank goodness though, before i had a chance to answer, the grandfather launched into a tutorial of the step-by-step process to getting a girlfriend.

it was rather funny actually. the grandfather being the old school guy that he is, actually suggested writing letters to the girl. i wanted to explain to him to wonders of modern technology and the fact that there's such a thing called SMS existent in the backdated telecommunications system of Singapore. but i refrained just in case he turned the question around and asked me why i didn't put this good technology to good use and get a wife with it.

after listening to the grandfather go on for nearly a minute or so, i could summarize his speech into several points:
- get a girlfriend via the postal service
- see if she's responds
- if she doesn't, get another girlfriend via the postal service
- go for the type that likes to save money
- save money yourself to pay for the wedding
- get kids earlier because 'i want to see some very soon'

oooh. the onus is indeed on me, being the eldest grandson of the paternal side. but alas, nature intended this grandson to save his semen for the pure sake of lubrication rather than pro-creation. which come to think of it, actually makes a good excuse for '101 excuses to not get married for the gay man'.

(blogger's note: the picture may seem irreverent, but that's a picture of the cousin and me at one of the family dinners. okay, it is irreverent, but we make a very good picturesque couple, don't we?)

posted at 7:27 am by the nurse | Permalink |

27 Comments:

i think your smile is perfectly fine :) and i definitely can't wait for you to publish your '101 excuses to not get married for the gay man'. it'll come in real handy especially with the marital age coming in a few years time :p
By Purring Tiger, at 10:16 am

Your clean-shaven look makes you appear twinkier. :P
By William, at 2:04 pm

Yes, with the chinky eyes thing : P
By JY, at 2:18 pm

Can you have it named "101 excuses for man to stay single"?.. We're basically in the same shoe, just that my dad is the one who choose the "wife" for me to "look at". hard to believe?.. well somebody shot me!

Hey, your smile is cute by the way :-) love the smile.. do smile often.. have a smiling face on your profile there.. you look like a mafia gangster on that one.
Cheers!
By uncle boy, at 5:25 pm

You are certainly cute :)

DT
By Anonymous, at 10:15 pm

the trick in smiling is not to show/expose ur lower set of teeth...

look at ur cousin in the photo, she did it tat wat, and she looks hot with the smile...

altough im not sure smiling this way will project a "let me fuck you" visage... heehee

- steve
By Anonymous, at 10:41 pm

Your smile is perfectly sweet. Adorable. And certainly enough to make me wish you're a bottom as well :P

Hell, you can even top me anytime.

Hey, you share the same exotic eyes as yer cousin. Cute!
By savante, at 10:54 pm

kon kon: wah marital age is not something i'm looking forward to. migrate, dude. migration. you made the right choice to run away from Singapore, hopefully far away from those pesky relatives.

william: remind me to remain clean-shaven when i'm 40 hor.

jiayuan: 'my mother tie my hair too tight'

musa: matchmaking? at this day and age? unbelievable!

DT: care to elaborate what DT stands for?

steve: i'll be sure to keep that in mind the next time i become the cam whore... covering the lower teeth.

savante: apparently, all the chinese share the same exotic eyes. must be 'community spirit' thing in effect eh?
By the nurse, at 12:43 am

Just a thought! If what IF your parents really force a wife on you? Will you marry her? Example they got u drunk enough for u to bed her? Somemore later she got pregnant how?
By Anonymous, at 4:37 am

lol i'm from kl malaysia but yea trying to run far far away from those watchful eyes. gonna try to extend my stay even after my studies ;p

as for your eyes.. it is very very horizontal but guess what? it is just like mine hahaha!!! community spirit for sure :p
By Purring Tiger, at 8:12 am

chinese is always chinese, no matter what. anyway, the picture is fine, i believe nobody file a complaint againts it. anyway, gay versus marriage; isnt that interesting. i mean, especially in the 'very chinese' community :)
By Anonymous, at 8:31 am

yah... cute leh.
By Anonymous, at 12:17 am

oh.. you're cute...
By >ΛĽvĭЛ, at 9:29 am

your smile does look very plastic !
btw, the topic on marriage, i have been fighting it off for 6 years. and i distanced away from my parents and family because of that.
By Anonymous, at 5:04 pm

aye, you've got a real nice smile. don't think you need any facial reconstruction. =P
By E R I C, at 5:51 pm

i wan to see ur future wife too. ha!
By Anonymous, at 6:19 pm

This comment has been removed by the author.
By a collaborative thinker, at 9:03 pm

dude, just smile! haha! but seriously speaking, you ain't smiling badly, eh?

come to think of it, i also need that 101 guide book. cos i dun intend to get married, and i don't think mom allows that.
By a collaborative thinker, at 9:12 pm

update! been missing ur new entries! ;p
By Veeen, at 10:24 pm

Why more man become gay

1 ) Women do what they want.
2 ) They rarely listen to you.
3 ) They're totally unpredictable.
4 ) They whine when they are not happy.
5 ) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6 ) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7 ) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8 ) They're moody.
9 ) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
By Anonymous, at 12:31 am

As much as you KNOW it is IMPOSSIBLE for you to come out to your family -- ever -- one day you will. And when you do, you will be much happier. No more lies. Mucho self respect. And your family will have had some fast learning to do, which will make them more tolerant, nicer human beings. Win win.
By Anonymous, at 12:35 am

awwwwwwwwww....

(reaction after seeing the photo)
By Anonymous, at 2:04 am

I rather have you to publish a book '101 signs of your grandson is a gay'

Hi,my old folks,read yourselves and save my excuses ;-)

We can drop the book in their letter box on father's day....sender - Don't Ask.com in USA !

Smile always...better facial muscles execise as compare to bj
;-p
By Anonymous, at 5:17 am

Very random, but I love the songs you put on your blog. haha

Wyl
By Anonymous, at 2:45 pm

First off, I've never topped, nor bottomed, but would definitely consider it if it was you.

Second, when I turned 18, I knew my mother would start setting me up with random Chinese girls which was the reason why I came out to her.

My father one day said, "I'm going to stay alive as long as it takes to see a child from you [me]." My mother quickly chimed in with, "Well, what if he adopts?"

There's just no pleasing them...

BTW, you have a cute smile... don't sell yourself short... You know you're HOTT!
By DChizzle, at 4:08 pm

neoneo: alcohol or not. i think i'll be clear enough to still be able to tell apart chee byes from lan jiaos. and anyways, i've got quite a good hold on my alcohol, so no issue there.

ash: wow. kudos to you then. am glad that you're free from the bond of married life. ugh. nappies and joint accounts.

kon kon: KL! wah. i heart KL! i should go there soon though.

biby cletus: thanks for popping by. i would drop by and visit. just that i don't have the appropriate mode of transport.

ben & alvin: i would return the compliment, but i don't have your pics. so it would be untrue if i said that you guys are cute. but wth, bet you people are cute too.

blurboi: i cringe at my smile, really.

fiexx: never too late to step out of the closet, luv. and this seems to be almost always true, but moms take it better than dads. testosterone... tsk.

kaiviti: wah. you make it sounds damn easy. but perhaps it IS really that easy. promise i'll give it a thought though. cheers.

juniortaste: there are better facial muscle exercises than smiling, trust me on that.

wyl: not a big fan of the mainstream. but then again, i'm a pop whore. so i'm contradicted.

dchizzle: heh. mummy knows best eh?
By the nurse, at 11:45 pm

this is plain weird, but after reading this post, i was like, hey, i'm the eldest on the paternal side, my family is the bible thumping sort... ok, minus the smoking and the stubble and the cuteness, i'm you!
By Unknown, at 4:20 pm