jon's blog

Sunday, June 10, 2007

project 355: 80% gay, 20% straight, 100% me

i know, i know. given my atrocious love-hate relationship with mathematics, i'm in no position to expound on the percentages of sexuality in me. in fact, the concept of numbers have always had a profound effect of scaring the shit out of me, no thanks to algebra and tuition teachers who killed whatever joy that was left in math during the 'O' level days of yore. but it's really as simple as it reads (and i shall avoid using the numbers here) - a hundred percent of me is made up of eighty percent pink genes and another twenty of the (insert random boring straight color like gray, navy blue or black) ones.

i don't know about you, but sometimes i get the thought that at the snap of a finger, i could drop all my designer emotional LV baggage and change from sexually-active gay dude to sexually-active straight dude. of course that would mean denying my true nature and having to condition myself to look for the hidden joys of watching straight porn. but really, nothing that a few transition sessions of sex with masculine-looking women can't change.

i mean, i don't have broken wrists flying about like planes at the departure halls of Changi. i don't walk with a funny gay waddle. i don't dress like i'm asking to be raped. i don't enunciate my 'S's in everyday speech. hell, i don't even like being a bottom. well, there's nothing drastically permanent in me that requires a lobotomy or plastic surgery to reconstruct the sagging straight person that's left in me. which is all fine and dandy when i actually do WANT or even NEED to head back to the path of heterosexuality. then again, 'Why would i think about turning straight when i'm already happy with being gay?'

the above train of straight thoughts coursed through my mind on a commute to work last week. the ipod was playing some random Indie band and i was immersed in my copy of Merde Actually. it wasn't until i looked up to adjust my glasses that i saw The One. well, not exactly The One. but more like The One... Except That It Comes With A Vagina (insert random horror theme). there she was, standing in the crowded train, a seemingly exuberant glow emanating from her tan. perhaps it was her adventurous fashion sense of boots and stripes. or maybe it was the perky breasts that looked like it could bring world peace with just the mere sight of it. or maybe her flawless face that exuded such icy-coolness that she could consider a career in Cold Storage. or even better, the elite girls' school accent she had which i'm rather fond of, having been straight during the lower secondary school days.

whatever the pulling factor was, she caught my eye as someone that i would consider as 'my type'. and believe me, i'm already Mr. Picky when it comes to my guys, what more the girls then? so it was while staring at her assets and the little trinket of a necklace that peeked down into her never-ending love for world peace that i had to smack myself back into reality.

what was i doing, staring at breasts when i'm gay?

quickly, i averted my eyes back to Merde Actually and pretended to read. however, the more i pondered upon The One With The Vagina's breasts, the more i came to realize that i have a bad habit. countless are the times when i see cleavage and can't help but do a look-see again even though i'm far from being aroused by the sight of titties. it get even worse when i accidentally catch visuals of mine-skirts and whatever that's beneath it. ugh... the horrors.

i know i'm very much gay and there's nothing much that can change that. but i'm thinking that perhaps these are the 20% of straight genes in me, clawing their way back up to where they used to be back then. it's true that i can appreciate breasts and their existence, their practicality, their symbolic meanings in the history of mankind (20% straight genes: 'though mostly it just means sex... hur hur'), etc. a bit in the same direction as one would go about enjoying fine wine and art. but no.... i'm still pretty much far from the point of enjoying them in a sexual way. same goes for the vage apparently, except that that would require a bit more than just a change of mindset. but as with everything else in life, given a little time, some practice and the right type of porn, i believe that i might just get the hang of it.

this is why if there ever comes a day when the gah-men somehow or other, decides to impose the 'Straight Conversion Course' upon the homosexual population in Singapore, i think i would be the first one to ace the whole thing with flying non-rainbow colors. but hopefully, that day where Asian society takes one great step back will never come. because for now, the 80% of gay genes can still derive peace (and perhaps world peace?) with just a mere look at bulging men's pectorals.

and for that, i'm glad.

posted at 11:45 pm by the nurse | Permalink |

18 Comments:

heh. finally u blogged.

totally same encounter as urs. we can appreciate a women's beauty but never sexually attracted to them.
By Veeen, at 2:12 am

Not surprised that you can appreciate a woman's beauty after all - I don't think we're all exclusively homosexual or heterosexual after all.

And hey, even without dressing like ya wanna be raped, you did get molested :P But then you're one cute bugger.
By savante, at 7:35 am

tis true what savante said.. i think every single guy (homosexual or not) will look at the other gender once in awhile.. especially if they dress up and just look stunning :p and as u said, i think we'll notch up our standards when it comes to them women.. so i'm pretty sure she's one hell of a looker.. lol!
By Purring Tiger, at 8:26 am

veeen: yeah. busy week. trying to learn new experiences. but more or that in the blog.

savante: i think when someone is damn pretty, the men are genetically trained to just look. regardless of sexuality status. so perhaps it's not that we're attracted to women after all eh?

kon kon: oooh believe me. she is pretty. plus she had plenty of class. someone that i would bonk if i were straight. but alas i'm not.
By the nurse, at 8:50 am

are you sure you didn't ponder on the tought of being her, instead of being wif her? lolz...

seriously, i agree with you on the tad percentage of str8 genes in the general gay male populace, that kicks in every now and then. and every time it does, i'm like...

... ewwww! that is so lesbian! (quickly look away and make a dramatic exit... or checkout her boyfriend instead...)

lolz...

- steve
By Anonymous, at 9:53 am

beauty is the feast for our eyes, so why not?
By Anonymous, at 10:32 am

This comment has been removed by the author.
By NeoNeo, at 1:26 pm

hmm I look at men and women all the time. Esp when they are stunning and charismatic. I dont get the sexuality kick in me by looking but I love looking at them all. I love looking at you too Jon. Hence been reading your blog.

Abt the alcohol part :
now I knw you are a good drinker. Alas I am not. Me limit to 2 cups of red wine and 1 tiger beer.
By the way woman are good Cock suckers too! Or you prefer doing the job?

1:26 PM
By NeoNeo, at 1:31 pm

I've once read this book by Bert Acher - The end of gay and the death of heterosexuality. And he argues that people whom are 100% gay or 100% straight is just about as common as a unicorn.

To quite a big extent I do quite agree with him. I've divide connection into mental emotional and physical. While I can connect to females in the 1st two, I've got this massive phobia of boobs. They just don't incite the same feeling as dick does. It kinda taste good too =p

- k
By Anonymous, at 1:34 pm

Jon, you know you LOVE math... Let's say:
Mr. Jay is diagnosed with Seizure Disorder. The physician orders Dilantin 1 Gm IVPB stat. The vial reads “Dilantin 250mg/2mL”.

a) How much Dilantin will you add to the 100mL NS piggyback bag?

b) What will be the pump setting to infuse the entire solution in 30 minutes?

I've definitely found myself fascinated by women's breasts on occasion. Since I don't wear a rainbow flag wherever I go, I've noticed that until I come out to my female colleagues it's difficult to act on any impulses to reach out and 'cop-a-feel'. However, once women do find out my sexual orientation, they're constantly trying to place my hands on their breasts. I don't know what that's about.

Eventually though the fascination dies out, and I'd prefer to have nothing to do with boobs. Even having my female friends press their breasts up against me in a hug ends up giving me the chills. That's when there's an immediate want to feel a hard chest like yours... =P

I still get a little confused looking at the female perineal region (I know... at this point a lot of gay men are going... la la la la la...). Whether I'm looking at a video, or encountering one in the hospital, my initial reaction is always me standing there scratching my head wondering how to approach it. My immediate thought is usually, "umm... what is that?"

I'll never forget my anatomy class when we were covering the female genitalia and my professor saying the clitoris changes color based on state of arousal. Stupid me ended up raising my hand and asked, "So it's like a mood ring??" I guess that was a moment where I had the word "gay" written across my forehead...
By DChizzle, at 2:21 pm

Cleavage-watching is fun! I like to estimate the percentage of flesh being exposed.
By William, at 6:05 pm

this post is very interesting. actually when i came out to some of my friends, they do start asking to touching them like measuring melons on that uncle's weighing scale at the marketplace. really, they are at times weird.

but i guess at one point of your life, you will experience such escalation with women, no matter your level of homosexuality is.

it's normal. scratch that. you're normal.

funny that some of us, like yours truly, derive style attraction (and maybe class, like what you said) from women, but others may not be able to avoid sexual arousement from men.

i repeat myself again. you're normal.
By a collaborative thinker, at 9:47 pm

Just curious, what's your definition of 'dressed to get raped'?

do singlets, berms and slippers count? ;p

- hicky
By Anonymous, at 1:43 am

maybe you just have a fixation on mammary glands, both on the male and female =P
By Anonymous, at 1:50 am

steve: stunning women are hard to resist. what's a man to do?

wiki: my eyes then, are very deprived of food. there's nothing nice to see these days. or maybe i'm at the wrong feasting table after all.

neoneo: it's okay. my dick belongs to a man's mouth. full stop. even better if the man is drunk.

k: well i've got a massive phobia of vage. so i think we've got something going on here. and believe me, eating vage is an acquired taste. at least for the gay men.

dchizzle: my math is horrid. when i dilute drugs, my first step is always to approach a colleague and ask rather than whip out a piece of rough paper to attempt mental sums.

a) i'm guessing 4 vials.

b) what sort of pump? syring pump then i'll full blast it and set it to 200mls/hr. the alarm rings when the 100mls are completed.

i like the mood ring comment though. i can imagine women with the PMS having red mood rings permanently.

william: actually cleavage from certain angles look like pectorals. like ooh la la.

fiexx: thanks for believing in me. glad that i'm normal and not going to start wearing Giordano and bad fashion once again.

hicky: that's dressed to go work at NUM. 'dressed to get raped' is more like a much tighter, shorter and perhaps kinkier version of 'short, singlet and slippers'.

skye: i'm a nipple queen. that's bloody true, luv.
By the nurse, at 12:15 am

I have very warped images of chicks with dicks flashing through my mind thanks to this.

But would that complete your perfect she-man?

A nice handful of boobage and a thick dick.

Food for thought Jon. :P

Sophie
By Anonymous, at 2:42 pm

sophie: as much as i love trannies and their strong chracters, i'm not a big fan of having sex with them. i'm not even keen to do it with androgynous people! thanks for the little 'tit' bit for thought, though.
By the nurse, at 12:52 am

me looking at men's pectorals: watery mouth

looking at women's cleavage gives one reaction: envy! why didn't i have one? if this is the case then guys would date me long long time ago...
By asianthirst, at 11:32 pm