jon's blog

Thursday, July 05, 2007

project 355: up yours

it was with a buzz of excitement in the air that i fetched back one of my patients from the operating theaters a few days ago. of course, we must not neglect to mention the wafts of fecal scents lingering in a fifty centimeter radius around my patient. this, was no ordinary patient. this particular one, came fresh from the Accident & Emergency department with the crowning diagnosis of 'Foreign Body In Rectum'. and before you start thinking that it's a case of an ang moh who attempted to fist an Asian ass and got stuck in the process, let me reassure you that the whole matter involved only one patient and a mysterious 'foreign' object which i'll reveal at the end of this post.

in my entire history of working with the General Surgery department, it's quite often that we receive colorectal cases. most of them are the usual stuff like constipation and bleeding per rectum. nothing really out of the ordinary. this one was an overflow, meaning that the original colorectal ward that was supposed to admit him was full and didn't have any beds to spare. and so he was lodged in our general surgery ward temporarily till a bed was available again in the original ward. but given that this was a pretty simple case of having to extract the mystery object from the patient's ass via surgery, i was thinking that this chap was going to be discharged without having to even transfer him over to the original colorectal ward. which was all good, because this gave my colleague and i the perfect chance to answer the burning questions in our heads.

of course, whenever anybody comes across a 'FB in Rectum' patient, the first question they would want to ask is 'What?' or maybe it's more of an exclamation instead. nonetheless, we already knew the answer to that from the patient's case notes. a few seconds later of envisioning how the object in question could possibly fit into one's rectum, the 'Why?' comes along like the accessory of murder that killed the cat. that very important details wasn't written in the case notes and this led to a lot of questions that we asked ourselves: what could possibly motivate someone to insert something up his ass? boredom? a role-playing act of sodomy? was it his wife who did it for him (yes, he's married, for crying out loud!)? maybe he's gay? or maybe bisexual? and why was he so silly to use a cylindrical object which comes with a detachable spare part that was sure to get stuck in the ass?

well, curiosity killed the cat and also got the better of the colleague and me. it was thus, that we decided to make it our objective and bet of the day: whoever can discover the WHY, will receive a stick of menthol lights from the other party. and bonus points of two more extra sticks to the one who can find out HOW he did it.

i didn't bother trying to play the part of Adrian Monk because i was swamped with work and my colleague is a very jovial and persuasive person by nature. she's the type that after just one drink, you would feel that you could trust her and you would start pouring out you darkest secrets to her. i haven't poured out my little 'don't ask, don't tell' secret to her because feminine charms don't really work on me in the first place. i knew that she would definitely beat me to the answer by a far shot. thus i simply carried on with my work and reserved one stick from my rapidly diminishing pack of cigarettes for her. i was betting on the fact that she couldn't answer the 'HOW' part though. there are some questions in life that are just totally inappropriate to ask at all. well, not until you sleep with them, that is.

so it was while we were passing the morning reports over to the afternoon shift that the truth was unveiled before our eyes. both the morning shift and the afternoon shift were there and my supervisor who was in the vicinity doing some random paperwork.

'Bed 5 is Mr. Boh Pang Sai and he's a colorectal overflow with Dr. Ka Na Sai,' i said. it was at that point that i decided to milk it for all it's worth, after all it's not everyday that you get someone admitted into the hospital for a little assplay. 'So, would you like to guess the patient's diagnosis?' my afternoon colleague who was a very clever Indian national straightaway thought of constipation. it wasn't until i held up the mystery object in my hand that everyone's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. a plastic cap from an aerosol spray bottle with a deceiving heart-shaped logo imprinted on it.

even though it was sealed in a plastic bag, there was still this nauseating smell to it. if science and technology invented goggles which allowed us to SEE all things olfactory, this one would have a certain green gas emanating from it. evidently, leaving stuff in your ass for an extensive period of time tends to ferment it. 'it's apparently the bottle cap of a perfume bottle. i took the liberty of measuring it and it's about eight centimeters in length and has a radius of three.' fun facts never fail to impress a crowd.

and this was when my colleague with a feminine wiles took over. the official version of the story that she gathered from the patient's wife was that he was having quite an extensive bout of constipation. and feeling very stuffed in the ass, he decided to 'un-stuff' his ass by stuffing it with one of the wife's perfume bottles. not only was the perfume ruined (Eau De Toilette is not supposed to smell like the Toilette) but part of the bottle was left behind as well. the bottle cap, to be precise. manual evacuation did nothing more than push the bottle cap way up the ass, so much so that they had no choice but to go to the hospital to seek treatment.

my fifty-nine years old supervisor, who was listening intently to the whole conversation suddenly looked up from her set of case notes and popped a question in her really warbly granny voice:

'I think the official story is a bluff. He gay is it?'

'Sister (that's what the local nurses call their female nurse managers), he's married leh!' i replied, flabbergasted.

'Huh? Really! Then maybe he's a bilateral lah!'

'Sister, i think you mean bisexual...'

'Oh yah. You see lah, so smelly until i cannot think straight'

'Yah, i haven't been thinking straight for quite some time already, sister'

posted at 7:59 pm by the nurse | Permalink |

23 Comments:

This comment has been removed by the author.
By gingerlyn, at 10:32 am

wahahahah !!!

I've been following your blog for quite a while (gotten the address from Fridae), and have remained silent. But this post got me. It's got to be the most hilarious of all. :D

Somehow I choose to think he is really straight, though why he chose a perfume bottle completely bewilders me.

And your last sentence is classic. Pun to a T.

cheers
gingerlyn
By gingerlyn, at 10:35 am

humans just love to stick objects in holes. It's innate to fill them up.

gingerlyn --> desperate times call for desperate measures. Say he's gay, perfume bottle or whatever. it's the dickhead talking at that time
By Sham Radio, at 11:30 am

This has to be the most unbelievable thing I've heard in a million years.

The bloke HAS to be str8. No gay man worth his salt would be crazy enough to use an AEROSOL spray to stuff himself :P
By RPMnut, at 12:03 pm

bilateral .... i just fell off my chair! really! i love you jon .. when are you going to O-S again? hahahahah!
By Anonymous, at 2:33 pm

oh my god ... no gay man will do that. can easily get a dildo what. or juz go to sauna.

wahaaahahahaha
By Anonymous, at 3:31 pm

gingerlyn: hey G, thanks for dropping by and being a silent reader. extremely charmed that you decided to post your first comment here. anyways, it's very true that any discerning homosexual would definitely not stuff any item that can end up in two parts after some rough action. obviously, not a gay guy this one.

dj_ck: i own a dildo. here's one evidential human who wants to stick things in his own holes.

rpmnut: i actually had a miniature discussion with the operating theatre nurse while watiting for the patient to be ready. and we discussed several other objects in questions which ventured where the sun don't shine. the items in question? apples, coins, pens, paintbrushes, moisturizer bottles, drink cans, batteries.
By the nurse, at 3:54 pm

Eeewww!! The worst I had was a guy with a coke bottle in his ass. Why perfume!
By savante, at 4:17 pm

hahaha *ROTFL* er.. sorry! am such insensitive!... sure embarrass one! why on earth he did that!.. why didn't use water host.. and flush it using pressure..of the water! ;p

have a fun weekend!
By uncle boy, at 5:40 pm

wow... wonder if i'd ever get to see that in person... ;D
By Medie007, at 8:39 pm

ouch! and how did they remove it? by surgical incision? *painful look*

colt45
By Anonymous, at 9:08 pm

what brand is it? is it chanel no. 5? "the only scent you wear to bed" hahahaha
By The Christmas Elf, at 11:46 pm

LOL - he should have done it the other way round, so bloody stupid for using the bottle cap part - does not mean that i tried it before though!

Anyway, i dont mean to be happy over people's misery, but sometimes it astonish you in a very entertaining way for how wacky a tomfool can be. Fun fun fun !!!
By Anonymous, at 12:15 am

savante: maybe he wanted to produce sweet-smelling flatulence that is pleasing to the general public. or maybe it's just some bizarre straight person's fetish. whatever makes that guy's day, i'm not against it. i mean, i have a fetish for penises and men. wait, that makes me gay doesn't it?

musa: i guess he just grabbed the first thing he saw. and the first thing being his wife's perfume.

bong blong blog: i saw the bottle cap. and it's kinda gross actually. not to mention the smell.

colt45: the chap underwent this procedure called EUA: exploration under anesthesia. so while he was gassed up and unconscious, they used medical equipment, widened his asshole and took out the bottle cap with forceps and stuff. imagine how the surgeons must be laughing in the operating theater.

the Christmas elf: it actually looked rather cheapskate. like something you get at the mamak stall. definitely not Chanel no. 5.

wiki: well you know what they say, one man's meat is another man's poison/humor/sexual object of worship/dinner.
By the nurse, at 4:43 am

my mum was a doctor in the ER, and one time she told me that she would never be surprised about what men put up their asses, she had seen TOO much of it. Well, being a gay man myself,and getting hit on by "straight" men, nothing surprises ME, either.
DAMN funny story, son-as are all the others. Keep writing. We need you.
By Anonymous, at 10:18 am

Bilateral? I'm crying! ROFLROFLROFL
By sterlinglush, at 10:37 am

-.-" silly silly guy

lol!!
By Purring Tiger, at 11:21 am

haha..
the entry is so entertainin!.
duno wat's wrong wif bmu.. so many colorectal overflow.
anyway interestin !!.. =)!
By Anonymous, at 1:47 pm

Alamak! I have came across "Marbles" in virginal to prevent urine incontinence. Two guy friends came to A&E and one of them had "Dildo" a vibrator in the anus due to .......I don't know haha....You guess lor!
By NeoNeo, at 10:07 pm

Well...there r all kind of ppl in this world...that is all i can say...

HAHAHAHAHA....
By Irvin, at 11:01 pm

another silent reader of your blog here, nurse.....cant help but to leave comment this time. This incident really hilarious to the core. I'm pretty sure he is 100% straight, else he would have use a bottle with a longer neck HAHAHAHA. Oops pardon me. :OP
By music-nazi ~ musik mit uns, at 12:36 am

HAHAHAHAHA!!! wth... your conversation with the sister cracked me up!!! hahax!!! nice one...

but WHY PERFUME!?! -__-''' his wife must be very upset (and stinky) rite now...
By a collaborative thinker, at 9:33 pm

neil: men doing their thing with their asses is too common a problem in the A&E already. these things seem to happen at night as well. isn't it true what i always say, that men's truer natures tend to come out at night?

marshall: well she's 60 plus and retiring next year. can't blame her though i've had the laugh of my life.

kon kon: i ought to have tell him that. but i value my job too much.

neoneo: marbles? i haven't heard of that one. gotta check that out sometime. but a dildo that can get stuck inside? he must have a very deep ass or a very short dildo eh?

music-nazi: thanks for posting the comment then! and i have tried the bottle thing too. not to my liking. cold glass is pretty fragile after all. or maybe i'm just paranoid.

fiexx: the wife looked pretty calm throughout the whole ordeal actually. no embarrassment involved.
By the nurse, at 12:34 am