'tis true that men in general have a tendency to be defensive about their emotions. it's okay to emote happiness. it's okay to emote anger. in fact, it's always okay for any gender to emote a feeling commonly associated with masculinity. for the men however, expressing an emotion commonly associated with the feminine side such as crying or gratitude is a sign of weakness. i guess all this chauvinistic thinking is prolly derived from the masculine psyche: two-fifths pride, another fifth of ego and the rest a hardened heart shaped by society. correct me if i'm wrong, but just one generation ago, wasn't the tradtional image of the ideal man the strong and resilient type? the ones who brought back the bread, pro-created, sent the children off to college, grew old and then passed away. all this done to the tune of 'Moon River' in the background.

the question here then: whatever happened to these men?

fast-forward to the post-millennial era of frappucinos and complicated political situations, it seems the ideal man has evolved in a somewhat emotionally-charged person. expressing one's emotions is strongly encouraged. now, it's definitely okay to be happy. it's even better if you're sad. hell... if you're are one depressed bitch, don't keep it to yourself! join a support group and tell the whole world about it while you pop those beautiful little anti-depressants!

as for me, i'm very much a traditionalist. most of my emotions remain as that: MY emotions. i've never been comfortable with showing how i feel about things unless i'm close enough with someone to know that they aren't motormouths who go round spreading each little secret that i have. and believe me, i have a lot of secrets. deep, dark ones that nobody knows except the parties involved.

this is why when it comes to work and most social settings where there's unavoidable human contact, i maintain this aura of anti-socialism, all in the hope to zap away anyone who tries to make contact with me. i give non-nonchalant/smart-assed answers to every single question that people ask me so that they'll think i'm too clever for them. though, in truth, i think they think that i'm just trying to socialize with them by being funny and/or mysterious. take for example, my colleagues can never understand what i mean whenever i have a conversation like the following with them:

colleague: (exasperated) my patient just called me his daughter! i think he's confused!

me: (not bothering to look at colleague) my, my, aren't we all?

colleague: huh?

with that 'huh', they either carry on with work and life, forgetting the above-mentioned conversation ever happened, or they give me a wry smile, acting like they actually understand what the shit i'm talking about. and viola! no colleagues that i need to maintain social contact with outside of the work setting! no need to lead that double life filled with white lies and the usage of androgynous terms to describe the boyfriend.

since we're on the topic of emotions, i have a secret to confess:

I LIKE BESTIALITY!

no lah. joking only. that was meant for the people googling up the topic in question, in the hope that they will visit my blog based on the selected keywords. but seriously, my confession would be this:

NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY, I CAN'T CRY!

it's cool that it rhymes, but it's not cool that it's true (which once again rhymes!). ever since the age of 15, i've totally stopped crying. i don't think it's a physiological thing because i know i still can produce tears. which basically leaves it as a psychological thing. everytime i see people crying while watching soppy Korean dramas with plot twists involving lovers discovering that their are long-lost siblings, i can't help but think that they are 'weak'. deep down in the recesses of my heartless heart, you can hear my alter-ego calling them wusses and pussies. to me, it's just a drama. the dramatics belong to the drama, not the viewer. so keep those tears for something more important like spicy food or anal sex.

remember A WALK TO REMEMBER? that tragic Mandy Moore movie with one too many love songs about break-ups and separation? almost every single gay person i know, expressed some form of tears by the time Mandy Moore passed away in the movie. i'm the only one apparently, who seems to have trouble letting the tear ducts comprehend the tragedy. quite embarrassing actually, when you're under peer pressure to express extreme remorse.

perhaps for once, it would be great to cry. after all, crying, like flatulence and having an orgasm, is all about release. in the case of the boyfriend's distance in the relationship currently, i think i might need to release myself and not be so affected by the whole thing.

then again, real men don't cry do they?

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