jon's blog

Friday, July 13, 2007

project 355: bad parenting which leads to good rental housing?

it's seldom that the father has anything good to say about his children. every single conversation with the father revolves around work shifts, going to church, the bible, gay-bashing-cigarette-bashing, splurge-bashing, threats of bashing in general, how lazy his children are, how stingy the children can get, how selfish his children are and how much better the other children are. upon recollection, it has been several years in fact, since the father uttered something complimentary about any of his children. so much so that i've learned to draw compliments from his daily berating. a simple rant like 'You can exercise and go to the gym all you want, but if you carry on smoking, all your efforts will go to waste!' can be translated into 'Wow, you are losing weight and slowly attaining a much more eye-pleasing body!' it's a method i have adapted to try and stay sane in this really conservative family.

just the other day, the father came back from work and i was at the door to greet him out of routine and ol' times sake. he did not return the greeting at all. in fact, the only thing he said to me was 'Your goatee is very ugly'. and he basically removed his shoes, put his bag down and took off for the bedroom to take a shower. i think he felt good having accomplished his mandatory demeaning remark of the day on his son. being a peace-loving gay libran, i have never been one to advocate solutions through one's fists. but for the first time in my life, i really wanted to sock it to his face. a burning urge within me wanted to let him know that he's the selfish chap who wants everything to be done according to his Holy Trinity standards. the only thing holding me back was a cigarette in my hand and a limp wrist sustained from a previous gym injury. that and the fact that i'm a very bad aim. my fist has more likelihood to come into contact with the door rather than the father's face. i wanted to head out for a smoke, but the father came back at the precise moment i was about to open the door. i figured that it wasn't worth it. after all, i'm still living in the apartment that the father bought with his own money.

once again, it all seems to boil down to the dollars and cents. for a young working adult, there can never be enough money. for a young working gay adult, there WILL never be enough money. and tis' true as i have a inherent need to splurge on something every month. a very much watered-down $1.5k is far from being enough for me. i hand over $350 each month for my insurance premium (i was young and foolish back then), another $300 for the parents and their household needs, transportation, revised prices for cigarettes, a social life. minus all that and i'm slowly left with a minimal amount that makes me consider working with the denizens of the sex trade. i may sound like an ungrateful wretch when it comes to $300 for the parents, but you don't just give away lump sums of money to people whom you don't really like, especially if one of them makes it a point to put you down everyday with demeaning remarks. yeah yeah yeah, they're the parents who brought me up, paid for my education, changed my diapers, raised me up and all that Josh Groban crap. throw in the fact that we're all Asians and we have to respect them and you have a classic case study of a gay son caught between traditional Chinese values and western mores.

to be fair to the parents, i'm haven't been exactly the best son in the world either. i have never bothered with the majority of the housework. true, i wipe the dishes occasionally, vacuum the floor when i'm up for it and iron the necessary clothes that i'm wearing. other than that, i have never cooked for the family before and i have never bothered with the laundry. i'm also quite the ungrateful wretch for not having bought the parents or the brother a single gift for nearly six years coming. no birthday or father's day or mother's day presents at all. i avoid talking to them for reasons i have mentioned before. i have never brought the family out for dinner before. and i get very defensive when the mother tries to probe into my private life.

looking back, i have no idea how things at home have reached such a state. is it the upbringing? is it the over-zealous love in the Lord? or is it just pure Asian values working their best to counter the evils of the western world? parental love is something that i haven't really experienced in a very long time. and i'm not even sure if i want to come into contact with the parent's brand of love even. to them, love is the little things that they do. things like buying a box of cornflakes for breakfast, getting supper, ironing my work clothes, etc. things that i could actually do myself. truth be told, i would rather they touch me and listen to my problems without bringing up the bible for once. things that i can't exactly do myself without bringing in some form of sexual context.

i know this sounds really cheesy and whiney and very 'i'm-trying-to-show-my-vulnerable-side', but whenever i think of parental love, an image of a particular family i used to see in church always makes me pine with jealousy. there used to be this family which had three sons. all of those sons made it a point to wear Black Sabbath and every other death and black metal t-shirt they could lay their hands on. and perhaps as a sign of rebellion, they even put on their piercings to church. it's actually quite a taboo in my church given that it's a piano on the left, organ on the right and a pulpit in the center type of church. their mother is a beautiful lady of about 40. the father, a rather dowdy looking fellow who looked a bit like a hobo.

but here's the Disney-worthy magical moment: every time the kids left for Sunday school, the mother would give each of them a peck on the cheek. do note that these kids were prolly eleven or twelve years in age. of course, the mother kissing her son who was wearing a rebellious tee is not something you see everyday. this scene never fails to make me wish that the mother would kiss me as well. of course, she doesn't even touch me. what more kiss me then?

yesterday however, was the straw that broke the camel's back. i was randomly trying to type stuff into my laptop when the father came in and started to do his usual berating act. starting from smoking to my money habits to my hedonistic gay lifestyle, the usual spiel of things that he rants about. and then it suddenly struck me that i could end this whole ordeal with the parents that i go through on a daily basis with one simple solution... Moving Out. of course that would mean another money issue, paying for rental and electric bills for the first time in my life. but i think it's a relatively fair trade given that i get less of the father's daily dose of bull.

so it is thus that i'm on a quest now to look for housing. to move out. it's a gay milestone and i think i'd be very proud of myself if i actually have the cash and guts to pull the whole thing off. well, here's a plea to the general public: i'm looking for housing. preferably near the central part of Singapore. but if you have any other offers, please do not hesitate to email me. willing to pay up to $300 in terms of rental, but price hopefully is negotiable. i'm very friendly, i can make good conversation and i can cook good pasta. and i'm adapt at vacuuming the floor. and somehow or other, i'm always the one to wash the dishes rather than wipe them. quite a good bargain actually when you throw in all the other sexual possibilities that could result from a room mate. so if you have any offers, please don't hesitate to email me. spankthemalenurse@yahoo.com.sg.

as for now, it's a matter of being at home when they are not around and going are when they are.

posted at 10:05 am by the nurse | Permalink |

24 Comments:

Oh, gosh. That picture is so cute. It amplifies the fact that you have a very big, large and thick wanker?

hmmm.. i wonder..
By Anonymous, at 10:41 am

all for the parents' worth, i guess it's cool u decided to move out. u're a working adult dude...
besides, i personally won't date someone living with parents. haha...jk...
so really, all the best in!
By Medie007, at 10:53 am

My 2cents worth of opinion - moving out is not always a bed of roses unless you have your own place (which, frankly, who can afford these days). There are housemates who don't keep the house clean (which means you'll do more than your fair share of vacumning/dishes (and don't forget the toilets), have parties when you're trying to catch 40 winks or spy on your every move/ask about every guy you bring home (come on, don't tell me that's not one of the main reasons you're moving out)...or worst he may ask to partake in "wholesome-activities-involving-3-people" with you and your "guest".

However, so as not to dampen your spirits, with your legions of admirers/readers out there, am sure you'll be more lucky than that...good luck in your apt-hunting and keep us updated :)
By robin, at 11:58 am

I can so understand your predicament. It is so frustrating when you feel like a guest in your supposed "own" house. Nothing is good enough. I even think twice about eating Maggi bought by the mother for fear of being thought as a parasite!
By Ed RockStar, at 5:08 pm

Just a random reader here..

Why don't you just treat your parents better?

I think Singaporean kids should indeed move out as soon as they hit 30, and they should give their parents money because mose parents spend all their cash on their kids' needs when they're young. It really doesn't make sense that we have a whole generation of 30 sthings who neither live on their own, nor give their parents sufficient money to contribute to rental, utilities, or just pocket money, which we always received when young.

Not all parents understand their kids. I can understand your frustration at your dad, but to be fair, if you had someone you cared about smoking and living hedonistically (be he straight or gay), your heart would ache. You're young and you have a life to lead, but I bet you that your dad when he was your age would never have known that some day he would have to be a nag, the bad guy who has to dole out tongue lashings. When we're young we throw caution to the wind, and view the givers of advice with resentment. Perhaps it's just retribution when we too grow old and end up having to nag someone else.
By Anonymous, at 6:09 pm

can you activate the rss/aton feed option on your blog? so it gives your fans the option to subscribe to the feed and we can be alerted when you update your blog. cheers.
By Anonymous, at 7:04 pm

fuwahh~~~ neext up we have dear ol' (no offence... you're older than me!!!) jon for sale at $300! can clean! can cook! can kill you in bed! lowest offer! cheap auction! joking... hur hur... (apparently i'm beginning to like your transcripted laugh... heex...)

i always thought individuality is such a great concept in my life, where you practically have full responsibility of yourself and no one else. but then again, every time i thought of it, i kinda feel constricted in doing so. this cause i loved my mum too much to leave her. did i just hear an "aww..." somewhere? well i do really deserve that.

but hey just take care of yourself when you rent out. unless you really love the idea ry suggested in his worst case scenario. hahax!
By a collaborative thinker, at 11:21 pm

I don't mind pasta. I can do the clean up since I'm an obsessive prick. The sexual possibilities are welcome. You can live for free. UNfortunately I am miles away!

Seriously though, don't you think it's worth trying to talk to them? I know it does sound Oprah like but take your time. You do know where your dad is coming from - and hell, he isn't gonna change - so it's up to you to make a move. God, I sound like a sunday school teacher.
By savante, at 1:03 am

ME ME!! COUNT ME IN!!!

Looking for cheap housing too!!!

and im pretty easy to live with, you just need to put up with my promiscuity..

and i'll put up with yours.

*grin*
By Anonymous, at 1:28 am

hmmm this is something im quite experienced in... moving to flats, that is. basically, the flatrates now are crazy to the highest level! i think you'll have a hard time looking for a 300 for a decent room. unless, of course, you stay with the owners (which is the same as staying with your parents, as they tend to set too many rules)...

you can look for rooms here:

http://classifieds.singaporeexpats.com/index.php/cat/120

http://www.easyroommate.com/

http://www.efair.sg/ (i got my current flat from this one)

good luck!

- steve
By Anonymous, at 1:57 am

Want a place in Jurong East? I need a place there :P
By JY, at 2:17 am

hey all the best ya? am suffering the same from you.

guess you need a better paying job. who knows, you can own a house by then!
By Veeen, at 3:06 am

Fortunate enough that your fist did not answer to your mind. No heart broken at least.

Don't wait for hugs and kisses, make your first move...bet you know it well

Your first move may shock the parent but not the 2nd.

Moving out with parent's blessing..no regret later.

JuniorTaste, The Nag ;-)
By Anonymous, at 3:07 am

since ur parents do not approve of u being gay moving out is the best thing u can do. save up for it, this means no more eating out, clubbing,etc... god does it sound awful? better remain and put up with their proselytising then. maybe cheaper in the long run. haha. u chose.
By Anonymous, at 2:27 pm

here, i can give you a pat on the cheek and kiss you :) haha.

sometimes even a small figure of ironing your shirt may the way your mum shows her love. you know we asians are just too prude to show love. getting supper and cereal shows love as well, if you interprete it that way.

well, though i have never said it out loud to my parents that i love them, or kiss them. i care and i show it in other way, like scorning them when they dont take care of their food, or when they stay too late for tv. so i guess it's the way how people show their love.

but if you really think about moving out (since we're not in your position to tell how your relationship with your parents is). why not you bring it up to your parents and see what they say?
By Anonymous, at 6:33 pm

Should verbal criticism be considered as part of family violence incident to be dealth with? If that is the case, then moving out is a viable 'escape' option but remember that this will not solve the problem between you and the parents.

Talking with the parents is a reasonable way, but there is a risk of them giving you another series of 'prodigal son' sermons, saying that they will wait for you to come back one day 'in God's time' and set a big banquet to relatives that you finally wanted to be str8.

I am caught by traditional Chinese values but not the western mores in my family. I have moved out few years back to a place miles away and I felt more independent. Cost: be more disciplined in spending. Remember you can't get everything in life.

My mum had kissed me sometimes back and I felt awful! Perhaps I am still very chinese...but if it is someone like you who did it, then it will be very much welcomed! Keke..
By asianthirst, at 9:32 pm

"raised me up and all that Josh Groban crap"

hahah genius!

I'm lucky that my parents seem to have ACCEPTED my "hedonistic gay lifestyle" (aka, we don't talk about it) and everytime I see them, there is no pretense when they hug me or tell me they love me.

I have found that by living on my own, my parents have become much more bearable. I think it's partially because they finally see me as an independent working professional, instead of the confused "don't know what I want" kid that was dependent on them for my food and shelter.

good luck with the apartment hunt! I personally think it's a great step towards a better relationship with the family. :)
By Anonymous, at 11:03 pm

Hi there - dropping u a note from a new fan of yours. U haf no idea how real ur journals are and reflected the little bit of Singapore I constantly miss when overseas .... Vietnam is not the most fantastic place to be ...
By Anonymous, at 11:56 am

This comment has been removed by the author.
By Wilson, at 10:06 pm

You should try prayer...

Pray that a big red SBS will take your father to the depot in the sky.
By Wilson, at 10:20 pm

i've been leaving out & away frm home for 3 years dy, and its truly gay paradise.
the freedom & joy is more than wat i've ever imagine(minus d occasional homesick syndrome) i shared a room with a fren for almost a year, n tat was quite a nitemare. i then shift to a single rum, n life have been heaven ever since.
so i fully support ur decision. seriously.
By Derick Tenh P.S, at 10:42 pm

I would want to move out too. My parents drive me crazy almost all the time with their nagging.

But I guess I love them too much to move out. Plus I need not pay rent or any bills.
By Anonymous, at 1:51 am

ah-bong: thanks dude. i wouldn't mind dating someone who lives with the parents because i always make a good impression with other people's parents. it's great fun to see what people's parents are like.

ry: hmm... things that i haven't considered. but i've been to the army and stayed with four other mats, one who's a punk, and the others sometimes quite rowdy because of the punk. i've realized i'm quite tolerant with most things. all thanks to the army. thanks for the luck btw.

ed rockstar: you've got that darn right, luv. i think twice about taking stuff that's not bought with my money. because you never know when the father will use the line 'you're eating food bought with MY money'.

anon: perhaps it's one of those things that comes with age. perspective, i think. it's the same thing with my primary school and secondary school days. i think if i were to go through it again, i would have done so much better, education-wise and social-wise. it's great insight coming from you. makes me ponder.

ash: i have activated it already. but i have no idea why it doesn't work. maybe you could teach me the proper method of doing it? because you know how i am with computers.

fiexx: individuality is great. but perhaps not that great sometimes because it simply means you and you alone being responsible for your actions. not fun when a mistake is committed.

savante: teacher savante, i know my father is as stubborn as a mule. and the surprising bit is that i'm as stubborn as a mule as well. when you put two mules together, you prolly get interlocking horns most of the time. i'm stuck in this rut apparently.

skye: putting up with each other's promiscuity, eh? kinda reminds me of that song about lollipops and ice-creams.

steve: thanks for the recommendations. i've actually been looking through singaporeexpats as well. and wah lau, rental rates are damn bloody expensive man. which is why i'm trying to appeal to the gay community. perhaps they have need of a toyboy or something. which is where i can come in handy.

jy: i'm looking for tiong bahru area actually.

veeen: yeah. crossroads here. i'm deciding between taking up an education versus moving out. which is more important? plus i need the money.

juniortaste: random bits of advice. and all very practical. thanks.

wiki: i find it very difficult to talk to them. everytime i do, all those feelings of self-loathing and hate seem to just overwhelm me. because these are the people that have made me what i am today. and sometimes i really hate them for that. which is why i get easily agitated when i talk to them. it's like talking to someone who has murdered your cat. you can't help but talk to them with hate. except that i my case, it's not as jia lat lah.

asianthirst: yeah i guess we asians are very conflicted by nature. after all, most of the world's standards are set to the western's. talking to the parents is a viable option. but if only i can get myself to calm down when i do talk to them.

madlip: living on your parents has made you grow up eh? hopefully that's what the parents will see when i do. and i hate Josh Groban btw.

jeffery: awww. thanks. i know vietnam can be quite a bore sometimes.

wilson: when i was young i used to pray to God that he would make the cane disappear. 15 years later, i have given up on prayer because the father only threw away the cane after it broke from overuse. but yeah, i'll pray today. hopefully there'll be insurance money to be inherited.

tps: so living by yourself is better eh? okay remind me to not get a room mate.

foxy: yeah it's always the money that's the killer bit, isn't it?
By the nurse, at 8:43 am

Best of luck in your search. I think this is a very positive step for you to take. Yours is one of only a couple of blogs I follow these days, and I appreciate your candor.

Family relationships grow toxic slowly, over years instead of days or weeks. You may have all the insight in the world as to what they've done versus what you've done. That doesn't mean they'll become ready to listen to you in a given span of time.

Even the most ostensibly loving, accepting, well-intentioned families can do things to push away the gay kid or show favor to the straight one(s). When you point this out, the self-righteousness reaction adds an extra sting to what's already a bad situation. (Yes, I'm speaking from experience.)

Now you have a chance to sort out your own life and to put down some boundaries. In time, you'll figure out how to deal with your family. It's not something that has to happen right away.

Good luck.
By sterlinglush, at 1:20 pm