I NEED A NEW BIBLE.

it never ever crossed my mind that i would say these words. at least not during the days when i'm still pretty out, loud and proud. but it's true actually. there comes a time when every church-going person needs to get a new bible. be it the King James, New International or even New Revised Standard Version (they make the gay-bashing bits sound more rainbow-friendly; eg: effeminate was swapped for male prostitutes). the church that i have attended since young (and am still attending apparently) only supports the King James Version, which they claim is the most direct and 'truest' translation from god. whatever that means.

the bible is apparently the single best-selling book in the history of mankind. i actually thought that bragging right would have belonged to J.K Rowling and the Potter series. i just googled up this fact and they actually have the audacity to say that the bible would top the Internation Best-seller lists if not for the fact that they REMOVED it from those lists. tsk tsk. all that pride. comes before a fall, i hope.

people buy new bibles for many reasons. maybe their bibles got soaked in blood and human bits during a missionary trip to the cannibalistic tribes of Timbarktoo. maybe they want to get someone a bible as a gift (the parents did that for my 21st birthday when all i wanted was an ipod video). or maybe they are simply just feeling guilty and want a fresh start. i've always believed that when somebody buys a new bible, it's extremely telling of one's faith. it can only mean three things actually:

- their faith in the lord is still going damn bloody strong
- their faith in the lord is waning
- their faith in the lord has already reached the depths of hell

i belong to the third category. if one could combine chinese beliefs and christianity together, my faith in the lord has descended to the 17th level of hell since the day i fell in love with all things phallic. i'm carnal, but not bad enough still to be put into the 18th level which is reserved for people who have committed heinous crimes. sodomy is not that heinous lah.

getting a new bible is about the same as shopping for anything else in Singapore. it's always about size. either you upsize, you maintain or you downsize. for me, it's really a downsize. i used to have a pocket bible that could really fit in my cargo pants. of course, you would have another bulge on top of the one you already have. this is the one the parents got for me during the 21st birthday. it was a sweet gesture on their part lah. inside the bible, the father wrote something like 'Only Jesus, Always Jesus. Love Mom and Dad'. there was always more than one man in my heart, that's all i can say.

i went on to brunei for 13 months with the bible collecting bacteria and mould in some random shelf in the house. i have never heard of a church in brunei where the state religion is Islam. the parents being the staunch christians that they were insisted that i bring the bible along. they always sent those daily bible supplements (eg. Daily Bread) in the hope that i would actually bother to read them. they had the same fate as the bible that i left back in Singapore. when i returned home, the brother found a better use for the bible. he actually reads it on a 5 times a week basis! so i decided to just let him have it for himself. it was for a noble cause, i guess.

thus having to attend church weekly (once again), i had no choice but to resume using my previous bible which was actually a children's version. the irony was that it was so freaking heavy (i think about 5 kilos) that i can't imagine which crazy kid would want to carry it to church every sunday. this children's bible was bought during 1997. i think back then the kids were already carrying those heavy schoolbags filled with enough textbooks, exercise books and stationary to open their own Popular book store. no wonder the kids these days look so hypertrophied and muscular. yum. i'm definitely not looking forward to the future where kids will just be carrying PDAs and styluses to school.

the children's bible was awfully embarrassing. it had little bits and sections scattered all over the various chapters describing life during the bible times, wholesome activities that kids could do with their parents and various other lame stuff. it prolly made a good read during the uber-boring sermons and messages of early 1997. but i have been reading those bloody sections for 9 years coming. enough is enough. i deserve a new bible! and thus i went bible-shopping at the christian bookstore they have in my church.

come to think of it, i've always wanted a white bible. it looks so zen and so holy at the same time. it would prolly even emanate it's own aura if it could. i mean, just look at the picture. doesn't it just gives you visuals of holy matrimonies, choruses of angels, white musk, vanilla, clean white briefs, ang mohs and marshmallows? apparently, i didn't expect bibles to be so expensive. most of them in the bookshop were in the price ranges of 25-55. i'm not going to spend so much on something that i'm prolly going to be reading or even touching once a week only! thank goodness they had this entire series of 'gift & award bibles' which were selling at only $7.20. meaning that it was meant for the giving, not the keeping. but who cares, it's cheap and it's pretty easy of the forearms. and look at the features: words of Jesus in red print, an aesthetically-pleasing cover, and a really calming font.

i entered the church today with a heart that's blacker than sin. i left the church feeling a really good afterglow radiating all round me. i think it's the white $7.20 bible.

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