i've always suspected all along, that in a previous life, the parents were auditors or treasurers or some job position resembling 'the guy to go to if you wanted approval for so-and-so expenditure'. obviously, this suspicion is only applicable if there were auditors in the early 1900s or if you believe in the concept of a 'previous life'.

you see, the parents are extremely meticulous when it comes to the household finances. meticulous to the extent of almost being an obsession. they are the types that would keep track of every single thing that they spend on. not even a single-kit-kat bar is spared when it comes to the recording of their monthly expenditures. and when i'm talking about their records, i'm referring to extremely detailed ones. the type that involves typing stuff out on Microsoft Excel, tabulating everything, printing spreadsheets out on recycled paper, and filing them away in thick folder labeled 'Financial Expenditures 2007'. i remember once several years ago when i saw the father trying to stapler a thick wad of receipts together with the Microsoft Excel printouts. after several attempts, he realized that the ordinary stapler couldn't do the binding. several days later, he bought a new stapler just for this purpose. this is why i'm thinking it's an obsession of sorts for the father.

of course, with this meticulous behavior comes along with the traits of being practical and cost-efficient people. some would look upon it as stingy and stubborn. while other would just think that it's all about spending on the right reasons. no matter what, the parents have very different financial priorities as compared to mine. they would rather set aside money for relatives' birthdays and the mandatory 10% for God, than buy a new television set. and if you ask me, we seriously need a new TV. the ancient JVC one that we currently own still works fine and all, just that the remote is non-functional.

and guess what? i'm the only person at home who knows how to adjust the television settings (eg. brightness, contrast, sleep timer, access to porn channels, etc) without the use of the remote. call me Mr. Selfish and curse me to reincarnate as a shellfish in my next life, but i'm withholding that information until the parents have decided to replace our decade-old television with something that comes with a functioning remote and preferably High-Definition viewing.

i'm thinking: why spend so much on that miserable birthday gift for that relative, when one could invest in quality high-definition image to accompany family dinners that don't involve putting down cutlery just to change the channel?


i dislike family discussions the same way i dislike bottom who don't clean out the shit in their asses before a fuck. both of the above tend to fill me with dread and a general sense of disgust. but the father likes it and i live in his house, so i can't really help it, can i? the father usually does his family discussions right after a hard day's work - about nine or ten pm - and these are usually done in the piano room. he would put down his work stuff, turn on the air-conditioning and gather the whole family in the uncomfortable silence of the piano room. these discussions are often filled with the cool air-conditioning and imaginary strings of words floating in the air. some fine example of these words are 'big, gaping, uncomfortable silence!', 'awkward....' or perhaps 'it's ten pm i'm getting sleepy and the last thing i want to talk about is family'.

i'm sure every single member of the Teo family feels the awkwardness of being put together in an eerily quiet room for anything more than a minute. which is why the father only has these family discussions when he has an important point to get across to us. most of the points vary from family financial crisis to health problems to death and most of the time, important dates that we had to set aside for family functions. once the father gets his point across to the children, the children do the same. the gist of the message coming from the children would normally be: 'okay, noted, are you done?'

with that settled, the family would usually end with a session of prayer. this normally prolongs the discomforting social mechanics between the family members. simply because the father always makes it a point to ask the children, 'Do you have anything that you need praying for?' the brother who seems to have nary a worry in life would always shake his head and resume his vow of silence. i would normally be very tempted to inject humor into the tense atmosphere and would have to bite my tongue before i blurt something out like 'papa, please pray that God cures me of the crab outbreak in my perineal region.'

thus it was with much dread and irritation that the father dragged ever single one of the family into the blasted quietness of the piano room yesterday at 9.45 pm. i can't help but feel guilty whenever something like that happens. the weight of the guilt increases when i can't figure out what the father has to say to us. i remember one time when the father summoned the family into the piano room just so that they could see punishment meted out for a collection of printed gay porn that i had amassed in a scrap book. there was prayer and counseling involved and i nearly turned back to the path of the straight and narrow because of that. shame (and plenty of prayer, it seems) does things to one's sexuality. tragic it only works one way though (gay to straight, not vice-versa).

i was on the verge of hyperventilating because i knew, i have been a very bad, bad boy. was it the 10.7GB worth of deviant German porn that i had amassed in my laptop? or were they going to start ranting about my financial habits once again? but in my heart, i knew there was nothing bad that i had done recently that would have tipped off the parents. so with the same guilt-laden heart, i made my way to the piano room.

'I have made some phone calls to the tour agent this morning and have made certain arrangements,' i couldn't help thinking that the father was finally granting me my wish of having Boarding School sex. 'Mommy's Tokyo trip has a flexible spending limit of three thousand dollars,' the father continued on. i'm not really picky, they could even send me to a Bangkok boarding school and leave me the remaining $2.5k for 'miscellaneous fees'. that would look nice in 'Financial Expenditures 2007', wouldn't it?

'Because of the seasons in Japan and the expensive cost of living there, we have decided to scrap Tokyo plans. Instead, we are aiming for Perth where the currency rate is better and we can purchase four plane tickets rather than two,' guilt turned into dread and dread produced horrible thoughts of Farmstay sex rather than Boarding School sex now. if there's one thing that i hate more than smelly bottom butts, it's gotta be farms and the great outdoors. hell, i don't even like sheepdogs, cattle, livestock and poultry. give me Starbucks anytime, but just skip the
sheep-shearing demonstration.

well, it seems that the family is set on Perth though. the mother's Tokyo prize could be rearranged to somewhere cheaper that would cover four plane tickets, instead of just two. and why Perth is the first place on the parent's mind, is absolutely beyond me. of course, they tried asking the children what other places in interest in this world they had in mind. the brother as usual had to keep in mind his vow of silence and you know what they say about silence and consent. me on the other hand, had plenty of smart-assed answers which i kept to myself. i wanted a European holiday but that would have slashed four tickets to two. Bangkok with the family is no fun because it's not exactly easy to convince the mother to watch a 'pussy ping-pong' show. i've never liked the rage behind all that kim-chi, so Korea's out. American destinations are not exactly a hit with the parents as they have this innate fear against the white power. Sydney and Melbourne we've been there before as a family. and Brisbane's a solo trip i made myself just before i enlisted with the army. and the parents have also watched too much of The Amazing Race to understand why India is a challenging destination worthy of the last leg of the race.

stumped and backed into a corner, i realized that i had no other choice than to resign to a fate of farmstays and long, winding roads of greenery leading to even longer, winding roads of more greenery. so the plan's now for Perth in the month of February. i've praying that Australian cigarettes are worth it. and that there's perhaps a gay bar down the street from the farm that we're staying at.

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