'What is your secret to such a chic and fashionable wardrobe, Jonathan?' somebody once asked me.

with a smirk and a flit of a very limp wrist, 'It's in the genes...' i replied, 'and the jeans, of course.'


ok, so i lied, nobody asks me that. and even if someone asked me a question like that, i would never give a cheesy answer as such. but sometimes, you've just gotta fan the ego and ask yourself a question like that, just for reaffirmation's sake.

i haven't posted anything in a pretty long time. and this is due to 101% laziness and perhaps a 12% brain block. obviously the percentages are not proportionate or anything like that, i admit, i'm terrible at numbers. which like i explained before, is the perfect reason why one joins nursing. it's not terribly difficult to count the number of arms and legs a patient has left at the end of the day. as long as the come in pairs, i'm satisfied. not applicable to nether regions though, some things should just come in the singular.

thus with no particular topic to blog about, it's time again for PICTURES! pictures of bad fashion (which explains the uber-cheesy opening). i'm really terrible at purchasing clothes for myself. it's always a size too small or a few sizes too big. and this i owe it to a big round butt that could rival Jenny From the Block (or maybe it's Jenny and her Blocks). it's so protruding that it needs a parking space of it's own, complete with parking coupons and a curb. most of my shirts end up being pulled dress-like and looking like blouses. which ain't good. because it just eccentuates one's love handles. but what can i do? bind my butt? carve off some flesh? trim the fat with liposuction? or simply blog about it in the hope that the public will be more forgiving on a gay guy and his love handles? the latter works for me.

all these are reasons why i keep the price tag on clothes and avoid throwing away receipts too soon. 50% of my clothes end up getting exchanged for a different colour, a different size, a different product. thank god for CASE because most retailers are now so terrified of appearing in the newspapers over nitty-gritty exchanges. so they entertain all the 'i-want-my-bra-in-a-different-colour-because-it-doesn't-go-with-my-skin-tone' kinda exchanges. so here's presenting 4 items from my wardrobe. 4 things that i would love to exchange but apparently, am too lazy to go down and explain to or ask the sales staff nicely. and believe me, being a veteran of exchanges, a lot of sales staff are still unsure whether their shop has an exchange policy that last 7 days from the date of purchase. Greet, Smile, Thank, i'm glad that we have attained that. but what's the point of GST-ing when you don't even know what the shit you are doing?


My Top 4 Terrible Fashion Buys

1) I Love Stripes



i bought this on the behest of a friend. which means that this is the result of peer pressure! this is actually why you should never succumb to peer pressure when it comes to fashion. cigarettes? can. alcohol? can. sex? can. but FASHION? please get your own sense hor. i am proud to say that i don't own anything cheena-targeted from Hang Ten, Giordano or Samuel and Kelvin. but Bossini however, is the only exception i am willing to make. once in a while they will produce something really exceptional like a striped top or something sleeveless that fits me to a T.

i actually like wearing this polo tee because it's flattering on my build. it somehow flattens my butt (don't ask me how it does that) and ups my market rate by about 4% (which is not a lot given that i am only worth 14% on the gay hypermarket). but of course, like all other great things, they are almost always too good to be true.

just yesterday, i saw a 40 year old guy wearing it. he's fat, he's ugly and if you put two and two together: fugly. no amount of vertical stripes can save his beer belly. and after about 4 minutes or so, another guy walks round the corner wearing THE EXACT SAME POLO TEE THAT THE FAT GUY AND I OWN. what are the chances that within 5 minutes, one can find two unrelated people wearing the same piece of apparel (that i own some more!). it doesn't make it any better that the other guy wearing the polo tee was some lame-assed teenager in need of a fashion fairy.

which is why this stripey polo tee has to be shelved away to the salvation army or something. let some other poor unfortunate soul have their fun with it.


2) Skinny Jeans That Are Too Skinny



like Giordano, Baleno and Hang Ten, I.P. Zone (i'm guessing it's IT-related) is one of those cheena-targeted brands that scream three-lettered words like F.I.R., S.H.E. or even Jay. apparently, i succumbed to the temptation of cheap apparel and bought a pair of skinny jeans from I.P. Zone two days ago. yes, i admit i was stupid and very desperate. throw in the fact that i'm terribly terrible at finding the perfect jeans and you have the ultimate fashion disaster.

height, if you ask me, plays a great part in a good jeans fit. longer legs allow you more fashion choices. and longer legs are what i do not have. what i DO have is this pair of short stubby legs which look like an exact replica of pork trotters on a Ma Ling can. Ma Ling is an excellent brand of canned pork products that you can find at any good supermarket, it's yellow and really flashy (and fleshy too). God prolly got his inspiration to create me after a trip to Cold Storage.

the skinny jeans that i bought were really fitting. so fitting that my nether regions didn't have any space to move about. it's like fitting an elephant into a terrapin cage, if you get my drift. maybe it would help if it's about fitting a chihuahua into a terrapin cage. but alas, short legs have a price (quite a bargain though, i must say).

now you're wondering why i didn't check before i bought the jeans? i did try them on okay! but you know how it's like trying things on in public. the mirror in the changing room is always placed at an extremely flattering angle. outside the changing room, it's always crowded with people who like to stare. and somehow, new clothes always seem to look better before you buy them. yah lah, my senses fooled me. but can you imagine those people who go and buy clothes via the internet? how can you buy clothes without trying?


3) A Medium In Ang Moh Terms



speaking of people who buy clothes without trying, i'm apparently one of them. i'm a sucker for tees with puns, you see. and Singapore being the really small and unfunny country that it is, it's difficult to find a wide variety of punny t-shirts without thinking of another three letters (N.U.M., apparently, only the homosexuals have a sense of humour in singapore). i bought the above two tees online. if you study behavioural science, you would prolly understand what the tees are saying. if you don't, then you are obviously a victim of the behavioural sciences. ask me, i'll explain.

like i mentioned, you can't really see the product when you shop online. thus, you never know what you are really purchasing until you finally receive the air-flown goods. good online retailers will provide you with rough measurements of the various sizes. terrible ones will just give you XS/S/M/L/XL. and to complicate matters, you gotta think in ang moh terms. everything in ang moh land, just like their McDonald's, is supersized. broader shoulders, longer arms, bigger chests, larger (insert random body part).

which is basically what i didn't consider when i made the purchases for these two tees. i placed an order for a medium. when i received them about a week later, i thought i had placed orders for the 'hip-hop' version of the tees i saw online. they were so long and big that i looked like an extra straight out of a 50 Cent video. the aim was to pass off for Geek Chic. but alas, it was more like Geek Freak.


4) Too Gay For Even The Gay Guys

have you ever bought clothes, only to think to yourself a year later 'What was i thinking back then?' during my polytechnic days, my fashion senses were pretty much dulled. baggy was my theme all year round. i looked like a drug mule, carrying truck loads of heroine and marijuana underneath those clothes. which explains all those unnecessary strip searches whenever i cross over to Malaysia for a holiday.

i bought this awfully gay top when i was in poly year one. i dunno what else to call it actually. because it's neither a tee shirt, nor a shirt. but at least you can tell that you wear it below your neck and above your waist, thus earning the title of a 'top'. actually, just look at the picture and it explains everything lah!



once again, it's oversized. you can't tell now. but you should see me wear it, i look like i'm wearing a night gown. a plus-sized one at thtat. which is what i was pretty much back then. and it's tragic but plus-sized gays lead really sad lives. given that it's such a shallow society in the gay community, nobody really sees them for what they really are. which is what this top signifies to me actually. it's overly-glammed given the translucent stripey fabric. and the bold red lines around the sleeves are just grostesque. think protruding nipples, pointed love handles, rounded faces, and a huge sack of flamboyance. no other words describe it better other than my top and eeeyurrr.


so now you ask, 'what's the moral of the story behind this badly-taken photos series of bad fashion complimented with bad lighting and bad backgrounds?' it's very simple actually. always make sure you TRY BEFORE YOU BUY. a lot of guys don't bother trying. the girlfriend must force them to try. have you seen straight guys buying clothes at Topman before? they just take the top, ask their friend to place it on their back to check whether the shoulder lengths fits. if it does, they head straight to the counter and make the purchase. that is the definition of 'buying' for the straight guy.

thank god, i'm gay. at least i come pre-programmed with the street smarts of making purchases.

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