it's been nearly a month since i started working at the hospital. and i can proudly and yet sadly say that i have done the job scope of every employee of the hospital. i have PR-ed my way to the patient's hearts, boot-licked my nurse managers, cleaned up shitty messes, became the middle man between relatives with bad blood, made a thousand cups of Milo, even more medical appointments, and of course, attended to the whims and fancies of all my patients. all this on top of my basic job scope of being a staff nurse.

i have been complaining to every single person that bothers to talk to me about how shitty my job can be. this job is a love-hate relationship. i love caring for people and cleaning up shit and making medical appointments and serving medications and lying to the patient's about placebo effects. stuff like that. in fact, nursing would be such a perfect job for me if not for just one thing: they get in the way of work, they refuse to get away from your way of work, and they will prolly not get away from your way of work unless you assuage their guilt of not being 'able' to visit their loved ones in the hospital as often as they would like to. yes, the PATIENT'S RELATIVES are what i'm talking about.

you'll be surprised at how ugly Singaporean relatives can get at a place of recuperation like the hospital. tempers flare when people don't get what they want. the patient's relatives think that they deserve Merlot even though the pay the price of artificial grape juice. and most patients in the hospital are paying subsidised grape juice prices with 7% GST. so, obviously they won't be getting what they want most of the time. the patients are okay lah. i mean, they are so sick and high on painkillers anyways, so they don't irk the shit out of you. but the patient's relatives... oh my goodness, they are what we nurses would like to call F+++.

if i had it my way, i would charge a dollar for each time the patient's use the callbell. i would limit relatives to only 2 a day (though the relative would complain that they are paying afterall, albeit subsidised, hospital bills and still deserve that half a room their entire extended family from Manchuria are taking up every weekend). i swear i would limit their thousand and one queries to only 3 a day.

it's always their incessant questions that really hinder work. and after a month of the hospital, i have managed to compile a list of question that i really dread answering. not because i'm bored or i'm underpaid or whatever. but simply, because EVERY relative always has the same questions in mind. here's my top 5.

Top 5 Irritating Questions That The Patient's Relatives Ask

1) Is (insert patient's name) back from the operating theatre yet? How did the operation go? Why is it taking so long? (for the 4th time in a span of 1 hour)
the relatives simply don't get it. just like our singaporean women, our nurses also need their own credit card line complete with spa privileges and VIP entry into MOS. when we say that your loved one is still in the theatre, HE'S REALLY STUCK IN THE THEATRE. please believe us. go home, have a shower, have a quickie, go do some shopping, fuck off, whatever. just don't bother us, cos we simply have a million and one things to do. the doctors are to blame for this actually. they are the one who tell the patient's relatives that the operation will only take 2-3 hours. but like hidden karaoke session costs, it's not that simple. there's the time spent queueing to go for the operation. the time needed for the anaesthetist to do her thing. the time needed to close up the incision. and don't forget the time spent at the recovery room waiting for the anaesthetic to wear off. so really, there's nothing to do except wait and listen to Madonna telling you how oh-so-slowly time goes by.

2) Hi, do you have any micropore?
micropore is like the bestest innovation from 3M ever since the fugly Nomad carpets. those mats look like they trap a lot of dirt, and that's great. but the inspiration from whence these carpets came from doesn't leave much to be desired (at least for me lah). 'thank goodness for Brazilian waxes' is the quote of the day here.
then again, nobody really knows what micropore is unless they are somehow involved with health-care, be it patient or employee. and anyways, no one really says micropore UNLESS THEY ARE MEDICAL STAFF. basically 'Do you have any micropore?' really translates into 'Hi, i'm a health-care worker too, so please take really good care of my relative here because if you fuck anything up, i'll be sure to sue your sorry health-care worker ass, i'm watching and could i also please have that micropore still? why won't the healthcare workers in civilians clothes just remain as annonymous as the patient's relatives that they are supposed to be?

3) Can you ask the doctor to update me about my father's condition?
this is apparently the hottest question being asked between 6-8pm every weekday in every gah-men hospital. doctors, if you haven't realized, just like the average office worker, get off from work at roughly 6 plus or sometimes even 7 (and if they have to answer irritating questions like these, 8). the patient's relatives are most probably hold desk-bound jobs too. so, like star-crossed lovers, the office-worker relatives will almost always never get to see the team doctors. and it's okay if it's one or two patients and their relatives, but the typical nurse takes care of about 10-14 patients. so imagine a never-ending barrage of relatives wanting to see the doctors from 14 patients and their relatives. misconception: the doctors are not at your beck and call. and come to think of it, this is also the number one question for relatives to quench their guilt for not visiting their 'loved one' in hospital (or at least as ideally often as they would like to).

4) Nurse can you please (insert some insignificant job that the relatives themselves can do) for me?
you don't need my diploma and me to help you close windows right? neither would you need me to help you move chairs and tables do you? i think every ward in the hospital really needs to hire a maid, preferably indonsian (cos they can converse in behasa indonesia), to settle the nitty gritty things that they need. making milo, getting biscuits, cleaning up messes, serving bedpans and urinals. sometimes i think i need to pin my diploma to my uniform just to get the idea across that i'm a STAFF NURSE. i would love to help, but i'm bogged down with work. and if i can't finish my work, i can't go home on time. and if i can't go home on time, i get pissed. and if i get pissed, your 'loved one' won't get that optimal health care that you so want for him. it's all relative (pun-intended).

5) Why is my father undergoing (insert some mayoclinic information sourced from the internet)?
for the health-care industry, the internet is more of a curse. every relative just googles or wikis something up and viola! you have a complete course of treatment plan and medications for an entire diagnosis. and it's an irony, but the relative would rather believe something they randomly sourced from the internet, rather than the doctors. they question the doctor's judgements. they doubt the nurse's answers. and some make it a point to be critical about everything that the nurse does. i have seen an ardent relative who CAMPS at the patient's bedside 24/7, fervently hoping to spot a mistake that a nurse makes. every action the nurse makes, she reciprocates with a scowl and a look of disdain, as if i have committed a taboo. and what procedure did the patient come in for? just a very simple low-risk hernia operation.


so you see, my job is really a PR-minefield. every little 'insensitive' comment you make could land you in a 'counselling' session with the management. and it doesn't help that my organization is crazy about audits. somebody should really up my pay. or at least get me that Indonesian maid to help with the workload.

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